Saturday, February 25, 2012

The Gospel of Life Ain’t Nuthin’ But Bitches & Money

Today we will talk about a miracle happening right beneath our noses.

We have a scorpion who lives in our house. She is an emperor scorpion, and this means she is not at all like those pitiful, flat little things we sometimes see cowering about under the rosebushes at dusk.

When compared to the emperor scorpion, those “scorpions”  are not even deserving of the name. We place them between quotation marks when we write of them, which is almost never. We place them between quotation marks because we do not want them making the other scorpions look bad… Fragile... Wimpy… Less than.

The emperor scorpion is none of those things.

So there is this emperor scorpion and she lives in our house, beneath a chunk of driftwood inside of a glass aquarium. The name of this scorpion is Life Ain’t Nuthin’ But Bitches & Money.

The kids call her by the more school-friendly name, LAN B-BAM.

Life Ain’t Nuthin’ But Bitches & Money is everything we could ever hope for in an emperor scorpion roommate. She is quiet. Keeps to herself. She does not demand to be walked or petted or held. She has never asked us for a new bicycle or for swim lessons or that we run to the store for a loaf of bread right before bedtime.

You see, that’s just not how Life Ain’t Nuthin’ But Bitches & Money rolls.

Instead, she mostly hangs out beneath her piece of driftwood, thinking about whatever it is that an emperor scorpion thinks about, until such time as we drop a live cricket (or maybe two live crickets!) into the aquarium with her. It is only then that she announces her presence to the world by waving her large dark claws out from under her chunk of driftwood. It is only then that she charges out in all her armored splendor to chase down an unwary cricket.

Sometimes, there are as many as half a dozen school-age humans huddled around her aquarium when she does this. All the tiny humans, they squeal in delight and horror as Life Ain’t Nuthin’ But Bitches & Money makes her brief appearance.

“Run, Cricket, run!” some of the children shriek. These children we call naïve optimists and dreamers.

“Here comes LAN B-BAM! Get ‘em, LAN B-BAM! Go!” other children shout. These children we call realists.

In the struggle between emperor scorpion and cricket, emperor scorpion wins every time. That is how Life Ain’t Nuthin’ But Bitches & Money rolls.

*           *           *

Recently, we noticed some changes in Life Ain’t Nuthin’ But Bitches & Money.

Her armor was not fitting as well as it used to fit. In fact, where the plates of her mighty armored suit were once snug and form-fitting, now we could see layers of flab hanging out. Life Ain’t Nuthin’ But Bitches & Money had gone soft.

How humiliating!

This is not a surprising phenomenon in our house, for everyone tends to grow noticeably more rotund once they begin residing with us. But our fat cat is not an emperor cat. Our fat cat does not have a suit of mighty armor. Her name is nothing like Life Ain’t Nuthin’ But Bitches & Money.

But when we had done all that we could do – feeding the scorpion fewer crickets, making her run little laps around the bathtub three times a week – we found the emperor scorpion even fatter than when we’d begun.

We required help. We posted photos of her on the interwebs, on a forum where people post such things. And the response, it was immediate and it was overwhelming: “That scorpion is pregnant.”

Life Ain’t Nuthin’ But Bitches & Money was pregnant!

But this could not be. At first, we all felt a little betrayed. Had Life Ain’t Nuthin’ But Bitches & Money been sneaking around on us? Had she been slumming it with those pitiful, flat little “scorpions”that we sometimes see cowering about under the rosebushes?

We went back to the forum and we asked, for by now, it seemed that the forum knew all. And the response, again it was immediate and again it was overwhelming: “Some scorpions can get pregnant multiple times over multiple years from a single coupling.”

And then, this: “Some arachnids are capable of parthenogenesis, giving birth without ever mating at all.”

*           *           *

It was a miracle. We had been chosen. We were a part of God’s plan. Our humble home would serve – it will serve! – as the holy site wherein the Lord again takes flesh unto His creation – this time as a scorpion (or, more likely, scorpions).

We fell onto our knees:

Hail Life Ain’t Nuthin’ But Bitches & Money, full of grace
The Lord is with thee
Blessed art thou among scorpions
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, [name/s yet to be determined].

Holy Life Ain’t Nuthin’ But Bitches & Money, mother of god[s?]
Pray for us sinners
Now and at the hour of our death
Amen.
And now we wait, and now we try to prepare, but how is it possible to really prepare for such an event as this?

When the Lord(s) come(s) again in glory, will it signal the rising of the universal New Jerusalem foretold in John’s Apocalypse? Is this “merely” a New Testament reboot of sorts wherein the scorpions are the Incarnate Word?

Must these baby scorpions die for our sins? How would we ever break that to the children?

*           *           *

We have a scorpion who lives in our house. She is an emperor scorpion, forever Virgin, and all the angels and saints sing her praises. And all of us will sing her praises, too, if we know what is good for us.

For the time grows short, and this generation will not pass away until great events have taken place.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do. Life Ain’t Nuthin’ But Bitches & Money is eating for between five and fifteen, and our little unborn Christs are hungry for crickets.

45 comments:

  1. You are so blessed. Will you be selling the little saviors on eBay next to virgin toast? Or will they simply collect disciples and gonforth and multiply?

    And as a Scorpio, I must say thank you for caring for Our Blessed Virgin so well!

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    1. I don't think we'll be keeping the little Scorpion Christs. We have too many critters around here already.

      In fact, I might have to ask the Blessed Mother not to allow any of the tarantulas to ever get pregnant, because those things have hundreds of babies in one go.

      Delete
  2. Umm, that is the coolest ever story. Life may be a Virgin. Maybe a gay or a straight scorpion.

    BUT BY FAR is the baddestassed bitch in Texas! Please keep your stalkers posted with photos and info.

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    1. Thank you, Violet!

      Following up on these stories - posting ANY sort of updates when I share something - is always the hardest part for me.

      Hell, I can rarely even manage a part 2 when I post a part 1.

      I've gotta work on that...

      Delete
  3. God-damn-it, woman - I love your allegories!

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    1. Hey, Will!

      The collective "we" as narrator was the tough part of this one.

      But I really can't wait until the entire family can sit around and eat the flesh and drink the blood of the beautiful baby scorpions. Assuming scorpions have blood, I mean...

      Delete
    2. Green blood, if I recall my college biology. Green as vegetables. Which means it would be a vegetarian meal. Oh, PETA< PETA, what will thou do, PETA?

      Delete
    3. I don't know whether PETA goes crazy over arachnids or not.

      If they DO, then the cricket mini-Holocaust that occurs once a week around her ought to be on their radar by now.

      And if they DON'T care about arachnids then I'm about to go make a winter coat out of tarantula bristles.

      Delete
  4. So....the virgin Mary was an arachnid?

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    1. Look, I'm not saying that the New Testament is about arachnids. That would be presumptuous and silly.

      But Mary was totally an arachnid.

      Delete
  5. Question: where did you get the crickets? And how are you planning to deflect the (presumably chirped) curse of the Great Cricket/

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    1. I buy the crickets at a local pet store. I have a few tarantulas, so the guy who sells the feed crickets already knows me.

      I'd just catch things in the yard or something, but then you don't now if they've been somewhere where they've been exposed to bug spray. Th only OTHER alternative is to raise your own feed insects, but I've gotta draw the line somewhere...

      Delete
  6. This was such a funny post.
    I hope you don't take offense because I can see you love your thing over in those pictures, but I feel sick to my stomach. It's not lovely to look at. And now it's going to have baby things.

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    1. Haha... Sorry about that.

      I forget that people don't like creepy-crawly things sometimes.

      I have tarantulas, and there's one - a curlyhair tarantula - that gives me the heebie jeebies. She's like something out of a nightmare.

      Delete
  7. You have amazing skills as a writer. Genius. Who would have thought that your scorpion could be the Virgin Mary of 2K12? Why crickets? Maybe they are the gift of magi for these three baby christs?

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    1. Thank you!

      I thought about the 2012 predictions. I didn't mention it because these blog posts tend to go too many different directions as it is.

      It is very inspiring - of course! - to think that the ancient Mayans already knew about the goings-on in my living room. I will try to live up to the hype.

      Delete
  8. That is cool...who'd of thought it possible...maybe arachnids are Gods chosen creatures and not us

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    1. It would explain a LOT about the Old Testament.... especially the Hebrew dietary laws.

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  9. I am glad LAN B BAM is not the tramp I first feared. This begs the question, what does one do with 5 to 15 little emperor scorpions running under foot? I foresee a very eco friendly promoter defense system, and a way to get rid of those pesky free range Montrose crickets who keep you awake at night

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    1. When I start the scorpion vs. tarantula fights in my living room, I'm going to be an instant Youtube star.

      In fact, I might need to move to a state where wagering is allowed.

      I'll wait and see whether the baby scorpions can walk on water or raise the dead first.

      Delete
  10. You just get cooler and cooler the more you post. LAN-B-BAM is such an awesome pet. I have a blue tongued skink in a glass aquarium with bits of drift wood, and watching him eat crickets is awesome. But probably not as awesome as a scorpion, since mine has no teeth. It IS fun to annoy him and make him bite you, though, since he can't do any kind of damage. Not something I'd try with LAN-B-BAM.

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    1. Lizards can be hard to keep!

      We have had bad luck with them, at least.

      The kids used to like pissing off the little chameleons/anoles that they find around here. They would have them bite their ears so they could wear the lizards like earrings.

      Delete
  11. out of curiosity, have you ever taken the puny sad little 'scorpions' under a black light or a uv light. Many of them glow in a most miraculous way. It can often be fun if not kinda weird activity at night to run around with a black light in your yard and see all the glowing exoskeletons milling about. We do this a lot in New Mexico. My sister even collects them in a jar. They havent multiplied yet despite sharing close quarters. Perhaps the smaller varieties are celibate. Cloistered Nuns of the Order of LAN B BAM

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    1. Haha... The big ones glow under black lights, too. When she hides down in her cave, the black light is the only way I can even tell where she is down there.

      I'll post pics sometime, because it's pretty cool...

      When I was in Arizona last year, I noticed that every Kwik shop had black light flashlights in them. Which seems kind f weird unless you realize that families want to look out for scorpions in their yards...

      Delete
  12. How do lesbians have kids?

    Texas lets you keep them?

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    1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    2. Hi, Confused.

      There are a lot of different ways that gay and lesbian couples become parents. One of the most common ways is simply having had kids during prior relationships. Dana had our oldest from her marriage before I met her.

      Gay and lesbian couples can also adopt - even in Texas. There is a state ban on being foster parents, but not one on adoption. Then there are a number of other methods, varying from in vitro fertilization to simply caring for another family member's child when they cannot.

      Many if not most of the long term gay and lesbian couples I know have kids. Statistically speaking, studies show the kids tend to do BETTER than kids raised in straight households. I suspect that is because gay and lesbians couples don't accidentally get pregnant - they have to be ready and willing to have the kids, so they're at points in their lives where they are more prepared.

      Delete
  13. I found your page from Barry Green's blog a few months ago. I think you have a good thing going here and I hope you keep it up!

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    1. Thank you! I spend way more time planning for it than anyone would believe, so it's nice when I know someone is paying attention...

      I might be a little scarce the next few weeks, but I plan on continuing for the foreseeable future.

      Delete
  14. HA! I just figured it out last night!!!

    YOU ARE MARRYING GARY IN AUSTIN next month, aren't you!

    No doubt you have just read how I figured it out. What you do with it and with the rest of your life is now the only question, isn't it.

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    1. Mandrake, have you never wondered why I drink only distilled water, or rainwater, and only pure-grain alcohol?

      Have you ever heard of a thing called fluoridation. Fluoridation of water?

      Do you realize that fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous Communist plot we have ever had to face? Mandrake, do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk... ice cream. Ice cream, Mandrake, children's ice cream.

      Delete
    2. You drink water and alcohol because you refuse to speak the truth in your life and because you refuse to keep a good man in your life. You don’t even care if the Austin man you are marrying is in fact the good man you wanted for life.

      You drink water and alcohol because you refuse to end the demons and tragedies in your life, so that you can have love and happiness in your life.

      But you know this as much as the next person, that no alcohol nor mandrake can ever solve your life’s problems for you. Only you and your truth and courage can bring you love and happiness in your life. But you know all these already, don’t you. So the question is, just how much more pain and suffering you have to cause and live through, before you will let all of it go, so that you can live, just live, a life you have always wanted and deserved.

      Delete
    3. Yes. That is exactly why I drink water!

      And you're not a psycho at all.

      Delete
  15. a pious atheists virtuous indignationMarch 4, 2012 at 6:05 PM

    Katy, you know the British television presenter Jonathan Ross, hes the most worthless pile of garbage in the history of the universe.

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    1. He's British?

      Well, that explains it.

      I hate everything British, except for Syd Barrett and the classic line-up of Genesis.

      I am not familiar with this "Jonathon Ross," but you're bound to be right in your assessment if he's British.

      Delete
  16. jervaise brooke hamsterMarch 5, 2012 at 5:02 AM

    Katy, when you said you hate everything British it was music to my ears, as you`re probably aware i hate everything British as well, especially their film industry. we`ve got so much in common Katy, its like we were girl-t for each other.

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    1. If they're so great, why don't they have a king or a President?

      Delete
  17. simon zinc trumpet-harrisMarch 5, 2012 at 11:10 AM

    Exactly, they dont even deserve to have a King or President (or even a Queen for that matter) because they`ve caused more trouble for the rest of the world over the last 1500 years than every other country in the world put together.

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  18. They deserve to be sat in the corner for a century or two for the Spice Girls.

    And Coldplay.

    And Gary Glitter.

    What kind of society produces Gary Glitter?

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    1. Hey, you leave Coldplay alone, you yuppie quickie-mart clerk with lake-houses and lesbian diets!

      Not long before Steve died, Chris went on to one of Steve’s signature keynotes and played Yellow and Wedding Bell at a piano on stage to close up the show. He even took off his jacket in between the two songs and threw it on the floor next to his guitar. If you didn’t quiver after seeing that, then you apparently know nothing about being cool and rebellious.

      See? The iPhone in your purse and the MacBook on your desk are not just hip tools for your modern life. Oh no. They are the ultimate expression of “Fuck you Bill Gates! You no-good-imbecile-copycat-whose-mother-was-on-IBM’s-Board-so-you-could-swindle-DOS-from-a-nerd-for-50K-then-made-billions-from-THE-MAN-while-enslaving-us-to-Control-Alt-Delete-for-eternity!” So don’t ever fault Coldplay for not smashing an iPod with his guitar, because the iPod IS now the guitar.

      Unless and until someone comes up with something better that breaks the chains of the App Store, while paying Chinese workers better wages. BTW the monopoly App Store hit 25 billion downloads this past Saturday morning at about 6 am. I was up and writing someone an apology letter at the time, which was way more important than trying to hit that lottery. I was so engrossed in that letter, I didn’t even play my Coldplay on iTunes.

      Delete
    2. To each his own, I suppose.

      I have Coldplay's Rush of Blood to the Head" on CD. I like the title song, which starts off "I'm gonna buy this place and burn it down."

      Nevertheless, I don't find Coldplay nor the billionaire tech dudes you mentioned to be particularly cool or rebellious. I just do not relate with them.

      Delete
    3. Well, unlike you, I don’t even own any Coldplay CD. As a Communist, I don’t believe in paying for things, especially spiritual works of passion and love. I had “from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs” laser inscribed onto the back of the white iPad I bought last Christmas. It’s a shame that Apple didn’t give it out for free, considering the fact that they have $30 Billion cash in the bank while they paid the Chinese Communist workers next to nothing in manufacturing it in the first place.

      Being able to relate to other people and things is human nature, I guess. But people can’t relate to each other without honesty and fairness in what they try to share with each other.

      When Apple executives live in their lakefront homes and dispatch their $600-an-hour corporate lawyers to fend off abuse allegations, it’s hard for them to then claim that they understand the plight of the Chinese workers, who live 8 to a dorm room with suicide nets outside their windows.

      But I like Chris Martin, for at least I know his name and can relate with him on the most basic human level, of having a name and willing to humble it for the sake of the future.

      Delete
    4. I believe paying for music, because I want there to be MORE music.

      I'm not saying that the musicians need to be Coldplay/Britney Spears/Pink Floyd levels, but whatever keeps creative, loving, fantastic people sharing their sounds is a good thing.

      I just downloaded an album from an artist's website who said listeners could download it for free and just give $ if they wanted to (the Radiohead method). There's supposedly no $ in recorded music these days. But if I can help keep a musician from having to go work at, you know, a Quik-E-Mart, then I will.

      Delete
  19. parthenogenesis? :P
    Animals/plants were always asexual lol
    btw empress LAN B-BAM is great looker!
    is she really yours? :P

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    1. Semi said: "Animals and plants were always asexual lol

      Tell that to my Uncle Charlie. (Thanks. I'll be here all week folks.)

      But yes, she's mine. Or she's at least at my house. I live with a constantly growing menagerie. Mostly tarantulas, but... we added a snail with a hole in its shell this weekend.

      Delete

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