I have something I would like to share with you today.
In fact, for some time now, it has been my hope – even my dream, you might say – to provide you with a tiny, magic kernel of inside information of some sort. You know what I mean: Something that I could tell you or that I could give to you and something that you could then take from me and take away and, it is my hope, put to good use. Maybe even improve your life in some small way.
This is me giving back to you. You have all been so gracious in recent weeks, so caring, while I have been here going through my own life crisis and having a rough go of it and whining about it so publicly.
And at first, I was thinking about maybe baking cookies for everyone, because who doesn’t like homemade cookies? Oatmeal? With raisins? I know, yum! But I cannot bake to save my life. Katy-baked raisin oatmeal cookies would not be much of a “Thank you.” It is safe to say that in some cultures, they might even be considered an insult! So no cookies.
Next, I thought about crafts – stringing a series of shiny beads along clear fishing lines or else building and painting colorful bird houses – and I’d do something like this for each and every one of you to have and to keep. Now that would be a great idea, I thought to myself, and each and every one of you would undoubtedly appreciate receiving such a practical and sentimental gift!
|I drew this cow for you!|
I forget that sometimes, you see.
Well, by this time – as you can imagine – I was beginning to feel a little sad. And I even considered, for a moment, taking the coward’s way out. Yes, gift cards! I figured, you know, maybe fifteen dollars a piece to, say, Applebee’s would be enough to prove that I love and I appreciate each of you (equally!). You, my online family here at “Lesbians in My Soup.” And it would be enough to prove that I love and I appreciate each of you so much that you would NEVER simply pack up a moving truck and disappear on me on some random, late summer morning.
But I’ll be damned if there aren’t one hell of a lot of you now! Fifteen dollars times ninety-five followers is… Well, let’s see… I can do this in my head. It’s… Carry the one and… One THOUSAND four hundred and twenty-five dollars.
I’ll be damned. Wow!
Have I happened to mention to you that my Sugar Momma recently moved out on me?
So no Applebee’s cards.
And that, dear friends, just leaves my brain, such as it is. And although I am not currently at liberty to actually give you my brain – which I hope to be using in some interesting form or fashion for several more years to come – I can open my head and let you pick through the rubble and let you see whether there is anything inside for which you might have some use.
So this one is going to be for you.
Let’s see now… Okay. Yeah. I believe I’ve got something here…
* * * * *
How about this?
Treat gorgeous women the same way you would treat anybody else! They will not expect it and they will not know what to do.
Now, I say this not intending by it that you should treat gorgeous women badly. No! In fact, I encourage you always to treat your fellow man – no matter how cosmetically challenged he might be or how slow-witted or how bad his taste in prime time t.v. might seem – with the love and the respect that is deserved by all of us in this short and often painful life.
Rather, what I am saying is this: Let’s say, on any given day, you are so blessed as to see a gorgeous woman walking down the street towards you.
And by “gorgeous,” I trust you know what I am talking about, right? That unique combination of slightly exotic facial features that makes you say, “I would not have thought of making a face quite that way!” And the light behind the eyes and the way she moves and the way she carries herself… Where you recognize in the blink of an eye that a) this is a truly gorgeous woman, and b) this truly gorgeous woman is well aware that she is perceived by others as being a truly gorgeous woman.
I urge, encourage, and advise you to treat this gorgeous woman no better – but no worse – than any other person that you meet.
She will not expecting this. She will be caught off guard. She will not know what to do.
Chances are, you see, she’s only got the one super power: Using her good looks, she can stun her victim into a drooling, unintelligible, quivering, confused mess.
She’s never had any reason to have to develop a second super power!
Now, as you might expect, doing this – ignoring great physical beauty in your interactions with others – takes training. It takes a lot of training and it takes a lot of discipline and it takes a lot of time. It is sort of like those monks in Nepal who can think their body temperature up to the point where steam comes off of them. Have you seen that? Or like that guy who’s learned how to balance a smart car on the tip of his index finger for an hour.
Because here’s the thing: This gorgeous girl? You are not going to be able to “get” her. Now, that’s nothing personal. I am not judging you. You’re just not. But she knows that you think there is a remote chance that you could “get” her and that this idea is drowning out every other thought and mental faculty in your head during your interactions with her.
And she is looking for feedback from you, for those telltale signs that her super power is working.
When she does not get those signs and when she cannot see that her super power is working, she will be left powerless. You will be in the power position!
Now, she might end up hating you for not treating her like a gorgeous person expects to be treated. She might end up resenting you. She might simply assume that you do not favor women.
Actually, she is definitely going to assume that you do not favor women.
But all of this will place you in the power position and it will keep you from making the kinds of stupid and easily avoidable mistakes that people tend to make as soon as they see a pretty face.
Treat gorgeous women the same way you would treat anybody else!
Mark my words: You will thank me for this advice. You will go on to prosper in new and unexpected ways because of this advice.
This advice that I give to you today, it is more delicious than raisin oatmeal cookies, more practical than a colorful birdhouse, and more valuable than a gift card for Applebee’s.
Treat gorgeous women the same way you would treat anybody else.
Thank you, dear friends, and may you use this tiny, magic kernel of inside information, picked from the rubble inside my head, to improve your lives in some small way…