Friday, September 14, 2012

My Thank-You Gift to You


I have something I would like to share with you today.

In fact, for some time now, it has been my hope – even my dream, you might say – to provide you with a tiny, magic kernel of inside information of some sort. You know what I mean: Something that I could tell you or that I could give to you and something that you could then take from me and take away and, it is my hope, put to good use. Maybe even improve your life in some small way.

This is me giving back to you. You have all been so gracious in recent weeks, so caring, while I have been here going through my own life crisis and having a rough go of it and whining about it so publicly.

And at first, I was thinking about maybe baking cookies for everyone, because who doesn’t like homemade cookies? Oatmeal? With raisins? I know, yum! But I cannot bake to save my life. Katy-baked raisin oatmeal cookies would not be much of a “Thank you.”  It is safe to say that in some cultures, they might even be considered an insult! So no cookies.

Next, I thought about crafts – stringing a series of shiny beads along clear fishing lines or else building and painting colorful bird houses – and I’d do something like this for each and every one of you to have and to keep. Now that would be a great idea, I thought to myself, and each and every one of you would undoubtedly appreciate receiving such a practical and sentimental gift!

I drew this cow for you!
But alas, I do not possess one iota of talent for any arts or any crafts, either.

I forget that sometimes, you see.

Well, by this time – as you can imagine – I was beginning to feel a little sad. And I even considered, for a moment, taking the coward’s way out. Yes, gift cards! I figured, you know, maybe fifteen dollars a piece to, say, Applebee’s would be enough to prove that I love and I appreciate each of you (equally!). You, my online family here at “Lesbians in My Soup.” And it would be enough to prove that I love and I appreciate each of you so much that you would NEVER simply pack up a moving truck and disappear on me on some random, late summer morning.

But I’ll be damned if there aren’t one hell of a lot of you now! Fifteen dollars times ninety-five followers is… Well, let’s see… I can do this in my head. It’s… Carry the one and… One THOUSAND four hundred and twenty-five dollars.

I’ll be damned. Wow!

Have I happened to mention to you that my Sugar Momma recently moved out on me?

So no Applebee’s cards.

And that, dear friends, just leaves my brain, such as it is. And although I am not currently at liberty to actually give you my brain – which I hope to be using in some interesting form or fashion for several more years to come – I can open my head and let you pick through the rubble and let you see whether there is anything inside for which you might have some use.

So this one is going to be for you.

Let’s see now… Okay. Yeah. I believe I’ve got something here…

*           *           *           *           *

How about this?

Treat gorgeous women the same way you would treat anybody else!  They will not expect it and they will not know what to do.

Now, I say this not intending by it that you should treat gorgeous women badly. No! In fact, I encourage you always to treat your fellow man – no matter how cosmetically challenged he might be or how slow-witted or how bad his taste in prime time t.v. might seem – with the love and the respect that is deserved by all of us in this short and often painful life.

Rather, what I am saying is this: Let’s say, on any given day, you are so blessed as to see a gorgeous woman walking down the street towards you.

And by “gorgeous,”  I trust you know what I am talking about, right? That unique combination of slightly exotic facial features that makes you say, “I would not have thought of making a face quite that way!”  And the light behind the eyes and the way she moves and the way she carries herself… Where you recognize in the blink of an eye that a) this is a truly gorgeous woman, and b) this truly gorgeous woman is well aware that she is perceived by others as being a truly gorgeous woman.

I urge, encourage, and advise you to treat this gorgeous woman no better – but no worse – than any other person that you meet.

She will not expecting this. She will be caught off guard. She will not know what to do.

Chances are, you see, she’s only got the one super power: Using her good looks, she can stun her victim into a drooling, unintelligible, quivering, confused mess.

She’s never had any reason to have to develop a second super power!

Now, as you might expect, doing this – ignoring great physical beauty in your interactions with others – takes training. It takes a lot of training and it takes a lot of discipline and it takes a lot of time. It is sort of like those monks in Nepal who can think their body temperature up to the point where steam comes off of them. Have you seen that? Or like that guy who’s learned how to balance a smart car on the tip of his index finger for an hour.

Amazing!

Because here’s the thing: This gorgeous girl? You are not going to be able to “get”  her. Now, that’s nothing personal. I am not judging you. You’re just not. But she  knows that you think there is a remote chance that you could “get”  her and that this idea is drowning out every other thought and mental faculty in your head during your interactions with her.

And she is looking for feedback from you, for those telltale signs that her super power is working.

When she does not get those signs and when she cannot see that her super power is working, she will be left powerless. You will be in the power position!

Now, she might end up hating you for not treating her like a gorgeous person expects to be treated. She might end up resenting you. She might simply assume that you do not favor women.

Actually, she is definitely going to assume that you do not favor women.

But all of this will place you in the power position and it will keep you from making the kinds of stupid and easily avoidable mistakes that people tend to make as soon as they see a pretty face.

Treat gorgeous women the same way you would treat anybody else!

Mark my words: You will thank me for this advice. You will go on to prosper in new and unexpected ways because of this advice.

This advice that I give to you today, it is more delicious than raisin oatmeal cookies, more practical than a colorful birdhouse, and more valuable than a gift card for Applebees.

Treat gorgeous women the same way you would treat anybody else.

Thank you, dear friends, and may you use this tiny, magic kernel of inside information, picked from the rubble inside my head, to improve your lives in some small way… 

57 comments:

  1. So, uh, I should tell myself "gorgeous women make my gorge rise"? Thanks for the info.

    Glad you're feeling batter, uh, better.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I am going to be honest and say that it was sort of a challenge not to do another I figured people deserved a more universal and entertaining one for a change.

      Then in the middle of writing it, she showed up at my door to trade off some items we had of each others'...

      Writing blogs about nothing was a lot easier when my head was empty...

      Delete
    2. Better SAVE THE WALES , and only have sex with them gorgeous BARBIE DOLLS...L.M.A.O.

      Delete
    3. They control the world with that stuff because they know they can.

      I think I might try being alone for a while, and see where I land on this issue in 6 months,

      Delete
  2. For some strange reason, this post made me think of this:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ea3RAkGqYC8&feature=player_embedded

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    1. Wow!

      That might be the greatest invention in the history of inventions.

      At least as good as the wheel, sliced bread, and... whatever it was Edison stole from Tesla.

      Delete
    2. Personally I am a sucker for any video that makes me dizzy. Come to think of it, I am pretty much a sucker for anything at all that makes me dizzy.

      Delete
    3. Phillip Glass' "Music with Changing Parts" always works for me.

      Or physics blogs.

      Delete
  3. I WILL ACCEPT YOUR COW SKETCH AS PROOF POSITIVE OF THE GOOD WORKS I DO.

    If I had known there was a crisis, I would've posted more...as is I'm just gettin' back into the blogosphere. D: Sorry I couldn't provide a metaphysical shoulder to gnaw on/cry on in the comment section~!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I think I'll rename myself The Beast Of Baal :/

      Delete
    2. Just think: If you'd given me that shoulder, then the cow might have been in color!

      With glitter on her ears.

      As it stands, it's still okay as far as cows go...

      Delete
  4. Well I for one appreciate the life advice more than I would an Appleby's gift card. I have a coworker who has put this advice into action. Another coworker, mid 20's blonde tart, is used to getting her way, having other people do her work and get her lunch, etc. Whenever she approaches this guy, however, he holds up his hand, points to his ring finger and says, "I'm married, so the answer is no to whatever you're going to ask." She of course scurries off baffled like she doesn't understand why all men don't want to do things for her. He says that by rejecting her every request no matter how small, he's preparing her for life in her 40's. Not the nicest approach, but neither is the manipulation of the wienered population, so it's a wash.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I have worked at places where you can see it in action - where people with exactly the same resume, qualifications, talents, abilities - get promoted based on a modicum of good looks.

      I think it is the female civilian equivalent of height in the military - the way they say that the military will promote the tallest guy.

      Delete
  5. the sayer of the truthSeptember 15, 2012 at 8:17 AM

    "THE TIME OF LIES, HYPOCRISY, AND SEXUAL REPRESSION", what a hideous and loathsome period of history to have been born into.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I am sort of... glad that I live in a time and place where I am not going to get polio. Where it is unlikely that soldiers will come kicking in my door tomorrow morning.

      I can imagine better worlds.

      I just can't think of where or when such a world might have been.

      Delete
  6. a puzzled little fartSeptember 15, 2012 at 8:25 AM

    Katy, the third syllable of the word "encourage" is the word "rage" ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
  7. a puzzled little fartSeptember 15, 2012 at 8:45 AM

    Katy, when we`re babys and old people we all look more or less the same but when we`re in the prime of our lives (15 to 40) theres a strange discrepancy, in that some people are much more obviously (and naturally) attractive and desirable than others. Like i said, its irritating that there should be that odd (and incredibly unfair) discrepancy when we`re in our prime when we all look more or less the same at the beginning and end of our lives.

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    1. Although I would move your age parameters a bit (15?), I largely agree with what you are saying. Not sure how unfair that is - I mean, we are programmed to reproduce, and a large part of that is judging a potential partner's fitness and desirability for reproduction.

      Nevertheless, I stand by every word of my blog post. My gift to you! At no charge!

      Delete
  8. Katy, it's going to be worth coming back here over the next couple of days to see what people post by way of responses. I've learned that (1) people with hula-hoops really can come up with novel uses for them; (2) it really is true that one of the things a person should never do past age thirty is go to Burning Man, and (3) there really is a Bastard from Bellingham, just up the road from me here in Portland.

    All that, from one post. I'm blessed.

    As to the premise - that I should treat gorgeous women just as well as I treat others - I've always been that way. I'm not saying that an Applebee's gift-card would have been a better tchotchky (living up here in the Northwest and in Food City, USA, you can't find a fucking Applebee's to save your neck, and most of us think their 'food' is atrocious, anyway - but hey - we're snobs like that; we were the ones who decided, after all, that Folger's wasn't good enough and that the notion of 'gourmet coffee' was good for America.)

    In point of fact, I dated a model once, and I treated her damn well. Thing is, she expected it, because every guy we met fawned all over her just to see if they could separate her from her panties. (I'd already done that, and the experience was far less spectacular than some of the other, 'plainer' women I'd been with, but to discuss that in detail would be decidedly un-gentlemanly, so we'll let that whole thread go, as it were).

    Reality was a - well, a bitch.

    In truth, she was rather boring - and it was, truly, all about her. Worst experience of my dating-life, apart from (1) having that blonde upchuck a gallon of champagne and oysters all over the side of my Alfa when I was 21, and (3) my now-ex-wife, having decided out of the clear blue that running off made more sense than staying put.

    But hey - we've talked about that. People do that shit. You can't keep 'em from it.

    So, thanks for the boobie-pics - those are always nice.

    ...I'm still trying to get over the Bastard from Bellingham.....

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thank you for alerting me to the fact I was spelling "Applebee's wrong - I'm a stickler for things like that in my blog, and the thing is, I don't know that I've ever been in one, so I can't picture their signs or anything.

      I think I was in one in Austin many years ago...

      There is a "House" quote I almost used at the beginning of this post: "Gorgeous women do not go to medical school unless they are as damaged as they are gorgeous."

      Most people don't GET two superpowers. Most people don't get one. If a woman is gorgeous for a little while, she ought to thank her lucky stars she got a superpower in life.

      Delete
  9. the sayer of the truthSeptember 15, 2012 at 1:47 PM

    Katy, the key point and specific example that i`m making here is that the time of the plague in the 13th century would have been a much more pleasant time to have lived through than "THE TIME OF LIES, HYPOCRISY, AND SEXUAL REPRESSION" that we were all unfortunate enough to be born into ! ! !. That should hopefully put into context and perspective for you just how loathsome and odious the 20th century (and even now into the early part of the 21st century) was and still is. Hollywood and The Media must be completely eradicated Katy, only then will "THE TIME OF LIES, HYPOCRISY, AND SEXUAL REPRESSION" be finally brought to a thankful and merciful end ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I got your initial point, I think.

      It's just that I do not think I agree with it.

      Delete
  10. a puzzled little fartSeptember 15, 2012 at 2:01 PM

    Katy, all i`m saying is that you would have thought that nature would have wanted to ensure that everybody was incredibly desirable when they were 22 and in the absolute prime of their lives (in order to maximise the birth-rate), the fact they aren`t is a bit strange. Its also murderously unfair on the ugly and undesirable people who never get to have a family of their own, and who are never able to "do their bit by the species" 'as it were' by bringing other people into existence, which is primarily what we`re here to do more than anything else, at least according to Mr. Dawkins.

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    1. Are you saying that ugly people do not procreate and continue the species?

      Don't they have Wal-Marts where you live?

      Delete
    2. Ugly people do procreate, of course. But a lot of that is due to alcohol.

      Delete
    3. Based on what I see around me on a daily basis, I'd have to say that the population must be drinking one HELL of a lot of alcohol, then.

      I just now saw a Levi's commercial that had a voiceover that sounded like Patti Smith. That can't be right, can it? It's got me so shaken up, I might have to get drunk and make some bad choices of my own...

      Delete
    4. Patti Smith selling Levis. Hmmmm. Why not? William S. Burroughs made Nike commercials. When someone asked him why he would do such a thing he looked at the person like he was an idiot and said, "for the money, of course."

      Delete
    5. Here: http://youtu.be/ibaLueEwvEI

      I've decided it's not her - mostly because it sounds like YOUNG Patti, but also because there does not appear to be any confirmation of her participation online.

      Delete
  11. jervaise brooke hamsterSeptember 15, 2012 at 2:13 PM

    Katy, "The Sayer Of The Truth" is exactly right (and you bloody-well know he is as well doncha`), we live in a world that is the exact polar-opposite of the way that it should be, and it is indeed ALL because of those horrifying abominations known as Hollywood and The Media.

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  12. This should be recorded as a PSA and played on the E! Network, MTV and the other places shallow people hang out.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. If we're aiming for putting it in "places shallow people hangout," I will withhold judgment for the moment on whether it was posted in exactly the correct place already!

      But I'm withholding judgment.

      Completely.

      Who knows what I'd decide if I decided to decide?

      Delete
  13. AH Katy... Thank you for such a wonderful gift! The gift of cleavage is the best gift for all growing boys & girls!

    The truth of the matter is I’m a happily married man (to a woman with excellent cleavage) but that doesn’t change the fact that I love utter cleavage. It’s not that we want to look at your cleavage. It’s that we really, really want to look at your cleavage. We know we shouldn’t, but we can’t help it, it’s like telling a woman to not look at shoes, chocolate cake, or her own ass in the mirror.

    This whole vulnerability factor is worth a thought or two. Men think a woman with expose cleavage is vulnerable and needs protection... However, that concept falls at the waste side when it comes to gothic cleavage. Guys like to look at gothic cleavage and the women don’t look very vulnerable to me

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    1. Hi, GOODSTUFF!

      Aldous Huxley once said this: "An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex."

      I'm not an intellectual.

      But I generally manage not to be an idiot about it, either...

      Delete
    2. "provide you with a tiny, magic kernel of inside information of some sort. You know what I mean: Something that I could tell you or that I could give to you and something that you could then take from me and take away and, it is my hope, put to good use. Maybe even improve your life in some small way."


      Instead of Katy-baked raisin oatmeal cookies, colorful bird houses or Applebee’s gift cards; how about carbon credits?

      Carbon credits are the perfect gift for all seasons and reasons. Therefore GOODSTUFF’S Carbon Offset Marketplace and Exchange (G-COME) would like to provide you with all the free carbon credits that you need or want. Thats right FREE!

      No need for your friends or neighbors to feel guilty about their carbon foot print. Get your FREE carbon credits at
      http://goodstuffsworld.blogspot.com/2012/08/goodstuffs-carbon-marketplace-and.html

      Delete
    3. Cool. I'm going to stick with gifts of writing and advice.

      It's all I know how to do!

      Delete
    4. You do write great blogs with lots of brain food included - I never leave your posts with out going off on a wayward tangent - thanks for the munchies!

      BTW - Never Eat Soggy Waffles for breakfast

      Delete
    5. Thanks, GOODSTUFF. I think I generally bat about 500 with my blogs. It's tough to come up with something compelling every week. There are bound to be some misses.

      You told me that information about the waffles just in time!

      Delete
  14. What a nice polite blog. I have been told, by people on a certain website where I was considering staying, that political blogs, esp. leftwing Commie pinko Marxist blogs, are impolite. So I left. Who wants to be impolite? I have also been told that my writing (I think this was Facebook) is rubbing people's noses in homasextuality, which they do not wish for me to do. Or don't wish to have done. It gets FRICKEN confusing omg I sorta lost it there. Anyway, thank you for a nice polite blog, but if you choose to do any impolite blogs, do not let me stop you.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hi, Benni!

      This was definitely a polite one. I always read my posts out loud as I go along, and I found myself reading this one in Garrison Keillor's voice. So it's not exactly William Burroughs or Hubert Selby material.

      The next one might be, though. And if it is, there's a chance it will alienate somebody.

      Oh well.

      Folks who are going to chased off by a political post or by an edgy post were going to get scared off anyway, you know?

      Make people uncomfortable!

      Delete
    2. Alienate someone? Please do. Because, trust me, when you are on the other side of 60 spending Saturday evening with your partner falling asleep on the couch watching football it might just be that your only joy is the memory of running down Michigan Avenue avoiding the teargas. Or alienating people, which, in this incredibly polite vanilla desert of blogoland, is a great thing to do.

      Blogster totally sucks. I'd say god bless you, but I'm kind of an atheist.

      Delete
    3. Did I mention we alienated some people before they tear gassed us? Maybe didn't need to.

      Delete
    4. I haven't been over to Blogster in a couple weeks. It's a good platform. I don't know how the company is.

      I just have one too many pages already. The idea of having to come up with additional content for another page is not a welcome proposition.

      Well, also, one of the first people whose page I commented on over there called me a "faggot" in reply, but I'm almost used to that at this point.

      Delete
  15. jervaise brooke hamsterSeptember 15, 2012 at 7:52 PM

    Katy, you know that picture of you holding up the sketch of the cow, well when i saw your face and fingers my dick nearly ripped through my trousers, you are such an amazing little darlin`.

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  16. It was nice of you to think of us and try to give us a gift, but no gift was necessary. People who are true friends don't expect anything in return.

    I'm sure most of us who were supportive give a damn about you. We don't want to see you harm yourself or others and we care whether or not you are happy or sad. Since most of us will never REALLY know what you look like, looks are irrelevant.

    I honestly don't care about someone's looks as long as they aren't so horrifyingly ugly that it makes me shrivel. I knew one such woman and, though I tried because I liked her personality, it just wasn't going to happen.

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    1. Thanks, Cal.

      That's sort of the flip side of the coin, I think. A person does not have to be objectively beautiful, but if you re going to date them long-term, they have to be attractive to you.

      Otherwise, you can try and fool yourself any way you want, but it is never going to work out.

      Delete
  17. While I appreciate the advice I think the proper course of action for me at this point is to avoid them like the plague. I missed this whole thing. Hang in there, kiddo.

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    1. You could go the Jack Black route and get a hypnotist to make you see women for what is on the inside, or... Actually, I never saw that movie, so I'm really just guessing at the plot. But it seems relevant here.

      Delete
  18. Katy, I might be wrong about this, but your post seems to suggest you don't place yourself into the category of "gorgeous" women.

    If that is in fact the case, I beg to differ.

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    1. Thank you, Anonymous.

      I might be cute on a good day. Probably not gorgeous, though.

      Jack Nicholson's Joker has a line in the 1989 Batman movie: "You know how concerned most people are about appearances? This is pretty, that is not. Well, that's all over for me."

      There's a certain freedom in not giving a darn.

      Delete
    2. Agreed.

      But there's also a certain satisfaction in knowing someone places you at or near the gorgeous end of the spectrum.

      Delete
    3. Yeah, absolutely. Now - more than ever in recent memory for me - I am not taking any friends, compliments, nice words, etc. for granted. At all.

      Delete
  19. “I advise you to stop sharing your dreams with people who try to hold you back, even if they're your parents. Because, if you're the kind of person who senses there's something out there for you beyond whatever it is you're expected to do - if you want to be EXTRA-ordinary- you will not get there by hanging around a bunch of people who tell you you're not extraordinary. Instead, you will probably
    become as ordinary as they expect you to be.

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    1. That is actually a great quote.

      It's the best quote left by an ad on my page ever!

      Delete
  20. It is, of course, not easy to take your wise advice. I for one suck at treating gorgeous women like ordinary people, even when I set out to exactly that. But here is a little thing I was told that tends to help a litte ... When you see a gorgeous woman walking down the street, just remind yourself: Somewhere, there is someone who is tired of her shit.

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    1. Haha... It's like living or working in a place with a good view.

      After three weeks, you cease to notice.

      Delete
  21. As much as I like the thought of passed-along-wisdom involving my long held theory that "pussy makes you stupid" (which explains most of my problems in this life...), I have to tell you I'm a total sucker for home made oatmeal raison cookies, especially if there are slivers of roasted almonds in them. I'll do my best to treat gorgeous women just like any other person if you'll give the cookie thing another consideration if we ever have cause to meet.

    (just for the record, getting people to ignore ingrained societal preferences is about as likely to happen as advice telling someone to eagerly share a Happy Meal with a leper, or go to lunch with a Hannibal Lecter look-alike. We're programmed to be attracted to- and befuddled by- gorgeous people... It explains most of Madison Avenue's tactics)

    Now I want cookies, dammit.

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    1. There's nothing like talking to a gorgeous girl for 20 minutes and then leaving the room and having to figure out what she just got you to agree to do for her...

      You oughta try to be a gorgeous girl. Somebody might even make you some cookies...

      Delete

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