Monday, September 3, 2012

Part 2: Awaiting Spirits and Provisions

Okay, what next?

I’ll say I walk back into my house, but this is a lie. It is a damn lie. I do not walk – not me, myself, I, Katy – because Katy is a wife, Katy is a mother, Katy is but one component of a family. This crying humanoid-ish thing, left behind on a curb, this thing that walks into my house, it is none of those things.

And “my house” – well, that is not really true either, is it? My house, ahh, you should have seen it before! My house was full to bursting with toys and cats and photographs, with squeaky rubber balls and boxes and mountains of shoes. But this here house does not contain a one of those things. This here house is huge and it is cavernous and it is practically empty.  

You could not even lose your keys in this house.

The walls and the windows are in the same places in this house as in my house, but the similarities end there.

Still, for lack of a better phrase or a more apt description, I will accept the inaccuracies and go with my initial lie and I will say “I walk back into my house.”

I walk over to the couch.

I sit.

I wait for the demons to come.

I have known loss before. I am familiar with the process. I know how this works. I know the demons are on their way.

Flap flap. Tick tock. I sit there. I stare at my knees.

The demons should be arriving shortly.

Half an hour passes in this way. I check my watch. Hmm. I switch on the television. On the television, I see people who are pretending they are excited about the upcoming election. But this is a lie. This is a damn lie.

I switch the television off again.

I check my watch again.

I get up from the couch in order to make a sandwich. I figure making a sandwich will bring the demons. My reasoning runs thusly: On the sandwich I am making, I am using Woeber’s Sweet and Spicy Mustard (Course Ground Superior Blend). If the bottle is to be believed, this mustard has a Tradition of Excellence for Over 100 Years.

Go Woeber!

But the thing is, Dana bought me this mustard. She bought it just the other day. Back when she loved me. Or back when I thought she loved me. Back when I was me and this was my house and I believed I had things sort of figured out. But that was a lie. That was a damn lie. 

So I make a sandwich and I use loads of Woeber’s Sweet and Spicy Mustard (Course Ground Superior Blend), but the demons do not come.

The demons are noticeably late. Maybe they made a wrong turn in the Heights. There is a lot of construction going on up there these days. Or perhaps they’ve got their claws full already – what with it being political convention season and all – and they simply cannot be bothered with a gangly-limbed humanoid-ish thing with cartoonishly large eyes left behind on a curb.

Probably they are waiting for nightfall.

I consider boarding up all the windows and barricading the doors to keep the demons out, but I know that it does not work like that and besides, there is nothing left in this house to board up windows or barricade doors with.  

I wait. Tick tock.

I never knew that clock made noise.

I wait. The demons do not come. I turn on Swans’ new album, The Seer. I have never heard it before and I turn it on and I know that for me, Swans’ new album, The Seer, will forever be the break-up album.

Swans echo through the newly-empty house and it is all rhythmic tribal textures and I wait for the demons to come.

And I dance.

And the demons do not arrive…

And this is how the story that I want to tell you continues…

[**The phrase  “Awaiting Spirits and Provisions” comes from the song “Gopher Guts” by Aesop Rock, as will the title of every part of this series.]


  1. You're far too young to give up on love and life. I'm just the right age.

    1. I don't know how I feel about love right now.

      I do believe, however, that there is something to be said for finding someone you can watch a movie with and share a laugh. That seems like a worthy goal in life...

    2. It would be nice to find someone to share a movie and share a laugh with. That is true. I just don't know that I have the energy to search for someone anymore. Maybe my scars haven't healed yet from a lifetime of failures in that department. To be fair though, my 15 year relationship with my late wife wasn't all bad. Dealing with her bipolar disorder was kind of rough, though... especially when she threw frozen burritos at my head for saying, "Good morning." Haha
      My van is out now, though, so I'm stranded at home anyway. Besides, if I laugh it will show my lack of teeth which I hide pretty well most of the time.

    3. Not to make light of anyone's situation, but right now, I sort of feel as though it would have been easier on me if she'd died instead of left. At least then, a) I would not there's no chance of getting her back, b) it would have ended with me feeling loved, and c) I'd feel less pitiful for grieving.


      That having been said, I'm glad everybody got out of this alive.

    4. There's no reason to feel ashamed for grieving. Loss of love is painful. Loss of a long time mate is second only to death. Death is worse because there is no chance that you will ever see them alive again. There's more chance of settling differences and at least being friendly again at some point with an ex who's still alive. You can at least make apologies whether or not they forgive you.

    5. There's no reason to feel ashamed for grieving. Loss of love is painful. Loss of a long time mate is second only to death. Death is worse because there is no chance that you will ever see them alive again. There's more chance of settling differences and at least being friendly again at some point with an ex who's still alive. You can at least make apologies whether or not they forgive you.

    6. We both know what it is to lose a mate to death. Right now it might seem harder because it IS painful and there is the fear that you might not get her back, but after some time passes and you work on improving yourself, you'll feel differently than you do right now. Time does heal these kind of wounds. It's just difficult until the time needed passes. Whatever you feel or don't feel, I'm sorry that this happened.

      Since I can't give you a hug in person, I'll have to give you a cyberhug. (((Hugs)))

    7. I know you do. I'm sorry for your loss.

    8. cal,
      there is never ever a right age to give up on live OR life.
      that's suicide.
      just my 2 centimos...

  2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. Dude - give it a rest - this is a blog - this should explain to you just what is a blog --

    2. Be glad she tolerates trolls. I wouldn't.

    3. I think this is one of the people who provoked me into instituting full moderation of comments on my blogs.

    4. I am never sure what comments to approve and which ones not to approve.

      When in doubt, I approve them.

      If I have to experience the displeasure of reading some of them, so should everyone else, damn it...

    5. As to comment-moderation, two words: Install Disqus....

    6. The problem is that if I installed Disqus now, it would disappear all of my old comments...


    7. I should admit that my earlier comments were made while under incomplete facts and misleading impressions about what was going on with you, that ironically was because of all the things I had known about you. Which also makes it challenging for me to comment, but backing down from a challenge is just not in my genes.

      Now Katy, I hardly know you, but you should trust me when I say that love is never lost, instead, love sometimes fades in our hearts with time and distance between our hearts. But once you had love, you will always have it, at least in memories and in the life you had achieved with the one you loved. Love also takes a lot of efforts and sacrifices. Maybe one of you or both of you didn't or couldn't do enough to keep love and commitment alive. But this is very easy to fix, just do better; always do better. Then your life will get better, and better. And the love you once had will take on newer and more rewarding meanings whenever you think of it. Right? :-)

      To the blogger in you, I would say that this one was more enjoyable to read, with a very basic yet human story weaved in your usual play of words. We are gripped by the suspense of the coming disaster, yet we all hope for the better for our heroine, who would prevail, and come out as a better person, more loving and humble to the wonders and the possibilities of this world. Yes?

      Do what you feel is right, and it is never wrong to feel what life and love are, and to seek what life and love should be.

    8. Thanks, on5464.

      It never really gets better.

      memories become less immediate, but they always waiting there in the night.

    9. Just let go of the bad memories and hold on to the good memories, right?

      Go find and be with someone who understands you and who is important in your life. The rest will work out in due course. Trust yourself first, then you will begin to trust and treasure all the good things and the good people in your life. We all do this, and it works. Trust me. :-)

    10. Most of what I do is fairly solitary stuff.

      It is nice to have someone around when I do my solitary stuff, though!

      And someday, I will again.


  3. OK, I am feeling some weird emotions... the past has come back to implant an ear-worm

    Please, don't beat me too much for posting a square blast from the past

    Hello darkness, my old friend
    I've come to talk with you again
    Because a vision softly creeping
    Left its seeds while I was sleeping
    And the vision that was planted in my brain
    Still remains
    Within the sound of silence

    In restless dreams I walked alone
    Narrow streets of cobblestone
    'Neath the halo of a street lamp
    I turned my collar to the cold and damp
    When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
    That split the night
    And touched the sound of silence

    1. The weird thing is that I was singing this song yesterday!

  4. "Ernest Hemingway once said, 'The world is a fine place, and worth fighting for.' I'd agree with the first part"

    -- Morgan Freeman as Det. Will Somerset (Se7en)

    The monsters are due on maple street (if you'll forgive a Rod Serling reference); they know they're expected. I've seen them before, also, as you said ("I have known loss before. I am familiar with the process. I know how this works.")

    Been there. Done that. Just know you have friends.


    1. Thank you, Will.

      The world is going to make even less sense than usual for a little while.

      I don't know what I'm going to be like in a year.

      But I will be here.

  5. Reading part 1, I was afraid this is what was happening. I'm so sorry for you. Not that you want pity, it's only empathy. It's okay to mourn the loss of a relationship. It's okay to give it time, let the wounds scab over. They'll always be there as scars...I just noticed how cliche everything I'm writing is. Next thing I'll start quoting Air Supply lyrics.
    You'll be okay in time. Best of luck to you.

    1. Air Supply?! Oh no!

      "I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
      I know you were right believing for so long
      I'm all out of love, what am I without you
      I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong."

      I might have to embark on a campaign to win her back, actually. I have not decided yet.

  6. Right, you and I both know the monsters will arrive. They'll come when you're at your most vulnerable, in the small hours of the night, and with their sharp teeth they'll gnaw away the scabs forming over your wounds. And they'll hurt.

    But, here's what - the monsters can't destroy you. They can't rip away your soul faster than you grow it back. And the longer you withstand them, the weaker they'll get.

    As always, you are welcome to talk to me. Remember what I told you on email.

    1. Thanks, Bill.

      This might be more honest than I ought to get in public comments, but it seems like part of the feeling of loss I feel right now is not about HER but rather about TIME. You know, someone leaves who has been around for that long and you start to think about what you've accomplished in these years.

      I can't be destroyed by one person. The villagers have been trying to lynch me for years with no luck. I might not be capable of being destroyed.

  7. "I can't be destroyed by one person. The villagers have been trying to lynch me for years with no luck. I might not be capable of being destroyed."

    You'll make it, Katy. Why? Because of this comment. Anyone who can make a statement like that one at a time like this is still capable of humor.

    (As to the whole time-thing, when my 'practice wife' left me so many years ago, I had an epiphany-of-sorts; while she was perfectly willing to write it all off, I wasn't - and therein, as the Bard of Avon said, is the rub. I was finally able to admit that 'x' years were nothing more than a very expensive mistake.

    Not a fun time. But worthwhile, in the end - because I moved on a wiser, better, and more wary Will...)

    1. I'm pretty oblivious at times. I think I can probably meander through with only a minimum of damage.

      But I refuse to see it all as a mistake. It didn't work. But they were the most stable 8 years of my life.

      Mission accomplished!

  8. Replies
    1. Could be!

      I don't know why. She won't tell me.

      She's an attorney who is afraid that if she told me why she is breaking up, I would talk her out of it.

      Could be the Church.

    2. Well, as far as I'm concerned, at least until some better explanation comes along, The Church it is.

    3. Are you saying God stole Dana from me?

      What's He got that I haven't got? I might have to pull Him aside and have, you know, a little talk.

    4. Maybe it was their "god". Maybe it was the funny hats. Or Bingo.

    5. They have a couple thousand years' practice on me.

      On the other hand, I've never invaded the Holy Land, launched an Inquisition, or signed a concordat with the nazis!

    6. Honestly, I had to wonder if her religion played a part in it. If she considered herself a Christian, she may have had a problem with your atheism. Maybe she figured that if you weren't going to accept her religion after eight years then you would never accept it. Convert heathen! ;)

    7. If we're going to start listing reasons that some Christians might take issue with ME, we're going to be here all night...

  9. "Not to make light of anyone's situation, but right now, I sort of feel as though it would have been easier on me if she'd died instead of left."

    After my 'practice wife' left so many years ago, I decided to see a therapist.

    I made the same comment, early-on. He said, "Will, first off, you don't really wish she'd died, do you?"

    And, after processing the question for a moment, I said, "No. I don't. But it would have been easier on me."

    And that, too, is the rub - because in the end, it wasn't about me. Not really. It was about us. And that's what happens when you do adult-type things like relationships; it's part of the deal to analyze them when they go bad. Owning up to your 50% is also part of the deal. Not pleasant, but part of the deal.

    Admitting what you learned from them that's positive is also part of the deal. Again, not pleasant, but part of the deal. That's also part of being an adult.

    As to that session, my therapist concluded with, "Of course, Will, if she'd've died, you'd never have to see her in the supermarket...."

    Humor. Always with a little humor.....

    1. I am really up and down this week.

      The financial repercussions of the breakup are starting to sink in - especially since I just received a certified letter from her informing me of what the "rent" is for me to stay here in her house.

      I'm okay.

      I just need to vent... a lot.

    2. Did you hang on to your old house?

    3. I will be moving before the end of the year.

  10. there are no demons in this situation...not for some of us.

  11. oh katy, no...

    i am so sorry honey :( if you ever feel you want to chat, just send me an email. i'm always around, and i'll write back asap.

    i hope you're okay :( we love you

    1. Thank you, Kage.

      I am going to start taking friends up on their offers of shoulders. I never take people up on it.

      I'm going to change.

    2. You know my shoulder is here if you need it.

    3. Thanks, Cal.

      I have a better support system than I would have thought!

  12. Ugh Katy, the empty house sucks something fierce. Beaming some love down I 45 (assuming any gets past the traps in Dallas).

    Take care the blasted demons don't show up 3 days late and hung over. They are not really reliable in cases like this.

    1. Hi, Brent.

      You're probably right. This week has been a lot harder than last week.

      If you can't trust demons to demonize properly, what can you trust?

    2. My demons usually show up when things are going well and I am not looking for them. Hope you are hanging in there. Find something to do this weekend so you are not sitting aroud.

    3. All of my hobbies are solitary hobbies!

      It's nice to have someone else around while I do my solitary hobbies, but apparently if you push that too far, there's an expiration date on it.

  13. oh those demons. they tend to grab me by the ankle when they come. they can find me hiding under my bed.

    they can find me anywhere.

    i hope they come bother me instead of you. you are wonderful. we are all wonderful. the demons, are not.

    be well sweet soul

    thinking about you

    a xo

    1. I think the demons are always there. I go into denial, though. I pretend they're gone.

      It takes a hard fall to remind me.

      I am thankful for you and for the few folks who have been so kind here.

  14. When I got divorced, I thought I was OK for a full month. I looked OK, seemed rational, all held-together. People were very impressed. Then, after a month, I completely imploded in a spectacular and horrible way. I'm not saying that will happen to you, by the way. Just watch out for "doing OK." For some unknown reason, it's worse later. And then, better. As long as you keep writing and reaching out, you'll be OK. What you can express fully and beautifully usually can't master you. At least that's what I tell myself, while ignoring all the writer alcoholics and manic depressives and general freaks. ;)Hugs.

    1. Hi, Tara.

      It hit me on Sunday night - a full week and a half after she left.

      Since then, I've been doing most of the things I promised I wouldn't do.

      I'm at about 30% right now.

    2. We'll have to work on getting that number up. Let's aim for at least 50%. You're near and dear to me as well as to others. That has to count for a few percentage points.

    3. I'm not to 50% YET. But I'm close. 40%+...

    4. Any increase in that percentage number is good to hear. You'll get there.

    5. So I'm told. I sort of leap forward to 50% one minute, and fall back to 5% the next.

  15. If you ever need a shoulder to lean on, don't forget we're here. We have a combined total of 4 shoulders. If you think about it, that's an awful lot of shoulders for the money. That money being zero. So it's a pretty good deal.

    1. Thank you!

      My blog posts might be whiner than usual for a while.

      And also wine-ier than usual.

  16. I want you to be all right. Please be all right. Can I send you music? How long will you still be at that address?

    1. I'll be at this address through at least November 1. Maybe December 1.

      I will PM you, Rupert!

  17. Katy, in that picture of you at the beginning of this post you look like THE most incredibly gorgeous chick i`ve ever seen.


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