Monday, September 17, 2012

Part 4: A Misanthrope Vying for Affection

+ But… But noo-o-o-o!
+ But ye-e-e-es.

+ But… But I’m all alone now!
+ Oh, I’m sorry. Are you and I having a conversation of some sort?

+ Listen to me! I am all alone in the world! 
+ Alone? Not a chance. There are 7 billion other people in the world.

+ But… But you don’t understand! I don’t like any other people!
+ Statistically speaking, you will probably meet other people you like.

+ Probably?
+ Sure, probably. You might be alone for the rest of your life. How would I know? Life is unpredictable.

+ But… But no! This didn’t need to fall apart. I should have and I could have tried harder.
+ So try harder with things from here on out.

+ But… But… But I messed up!
+ And you will mess up yet again. Get used to it.

+ But… But... But everything in my life was built around her!
+ Now everything in your life will be built around something else. Probably lots of other something elses.

+ But… But… But I have so many memories with her!
+ Good. Now you will make new memories without her.

+ But… But… This is bad. This means I wasted a lot of time.
+ So do not waste any more time.

+ But I don’t know what to do if she is not around!
+ Well, what were you planning to do today?

+ Um… [sniffle] Going to work. Writing a blog. Listening to the new Swans album.
+ So go to work. So write a blog. So listen to the new Swans album.
+ But… But… But I cannot sleep without her near me!
+ You WILL sleep without her near you. One way or another, you are going to fall asleep. Do you really believe you’re not going to ever fall asleep again?

+ But… But… But she told me I was funny!
+ She told you what she thought you wanted to hear. Somebody else will tell you that you’re funny.

+ But… But she told me I was smart!
+ Somebody else will tell you that you’re smart.

+ But… But she told me I was funny AND she told me I was smart AND she told me I was pretty!
+ She also admitted she lies a lot…

+ But the world does not make sense without her. And nothing is sure. And I have no center.
+ Nothing was ever sure. You were only fooling yourself.

+ But I’m never going to do better than her!
+ But now you will do different than her.

+ But… But… But she is the smartest person I have ever known… She was valedictorian of her high school class, you know…
+ There are 36,000 high schools in the United States, each of which has a valedictorian every single year. In the 15 years since she graduated, that’s over half a million valedictorians.

+ But… But… But you’re ignoring the fact that THIS ISN’T FAIR!
+ Oh, boo hoo. What in the hell does “fair” have to do with anything?

+ But… But no… You see, I loved her!
+ You loved her.

+ But… But everything… Every single thing… Everything will be different from now on!
+ Everything will be different from now on.

+ Yeah… Maybe you’re right. Maybe it’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay, isn’t it?
+ Maybe, maybe not. Some folks’ lives peak out early and they never ever pull it back together again. You might have already peaked.

+ You know what? You really kind of suck as a therapist, Katy Anders.
+ You know what? You really kind of suck as a patient, Katy Anders. You are really whiny and you think you can get away with paying me in the form of cheap wine.

+ Hey… Did you see that Whole Foods check-out girl just now?
+ Yeah! She kind of had that lonely and slightly desperate glaze in her eye, didn’t she? Let’s go back in and see just how lonely and desperate she is!
[**The phrase  “A Misanthrope Vying for Affection” comes from the song “Gopher Guts” by Aesop Rock, as will the title of every part of this series.]

51 comments:

  1. Most people, myself and yourself included, got married because we were lonely and desperate. It is normal but boring, like the white picket fences.

    But then once a long while, two people come along and decide to form a bond, an unbreakable bond, that does not need the superficial titles and trappings of marriage, nor the rewards of tedious daily companionship. These are the crazy ones, which I heard it to be the subject matter of a few new songs on the new album by Aimee Mann, named "Charmer". I heard on NPR this morning that one of the songs was named "Crazy Town" and it's about dating a charming but crazy girl, which instantly made sense to me.

    Just be thankful that you Katy is not in a relationship with such a crazy girl. She would drive you nuts every few days, for absolutely no good reason at all, and of course she would not apologize or correct her wrongs afterwards, leaving you speechless in wondering what the hell just happened and why you are still here ...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hi, on5464.

      Yup. There are BUNCHES of different ways to get into doomed relationships.

      I work in a law office that does divorces now. I hear an awful lot of folks who think they're the only person who ever got screwed over in a relationship.

      They're not.

      It happens all of the time. Not everyone manages to pick themselves up and get past it, though...

      Delete
  2. O Katy! Your second voice makes sense. Whole Foods does hire a great variety of lonely and desperate beautiful ladies.

    But in all honesty, she is not the only one who thinks you are funny, or pretty or smart. Think of all those non-valedictorians who are still brilliant thinkers. However, your therapist is wrong to chide for wine therapy. I myself underwent just such a treatment tonight and am feeling much better!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The great thing about the employees is the honesty in advertising.

      You can just look at their tats to see which psychological problems they have - it's listed right there in ink!

      Shopping for nuts is fun.

      Delete
  3. At least you are young now that the breakup occurred. You more than likely WILL find someone who thinks you are funny and brilliant and beautiful because you ARE all of those things.

    It's never easy to get over the breakup of a long term relationship. Sometimes you feel as if there's no point in going on. The truth is that there are always new and exciting people you will meet, some of which will make you very happy... perhaps happier than the one who left made you feel. It may take awhile but it will happen.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hi, Cal!

      You're right, and there are worse things in the world than being single.

      It just takes time to... to... sort of redefine myself. To remember, in my head, when I'm thinking about something else, that I am a single person. That I'm not half of a couple.

      Or 3/4 of a couple. Or whatever it was.

      Delete
    2. Yeah, it takes awhile to figure out you're single. It takes awhile to get used to not having someone in bed with you at night... or when you wake up in the morning. That passes... or so I've been told. I still have a rough time with it at certain times. It does get easier with time, but I haven't experienced it long enough since Diane died to really get over anyone but the newbies. Long term relationships definitely take longer to adjust to.

      Delete
    3. Getting to sleep is always my problem... and that really goes for whether someone else is around me or not.

      I'm doing great some nights. But others...!

      Delete
  4. GREAT! You needed to see a therapist to help you through this. I will not question the academic credentials of your professional. What she lacks in qualification, she more than makes up for in knowing the patient. Sounds like you may have started to turn a corner, even though steering is painful and frequently sucks.

    Based on personal experience, the car is a great place for therapy sessions like this. You just have to be OK occasionally winding up in Ardmore OK when you were really intending to drive to Baton Rogue.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The car is great for primal scream therapy!

      The upside about that is, because I am in Houston, I'll NEVER end up anywhere at all. I can just sit there in traffic screaming and managing to move forward at one mile and hour.

      And since everyone else is generally screaming in their cars, too, it won't even seem weird if anyone sees me going crazy.

      Delete
    2. Perfect! You have regularly scheduled sessions. And they can run long without bothering the guy behind you.

      The primal scream sounds like a good idea. I am going to give it a try on my way through the north Ft Worth road construction tomorrow

      Delete
    3. I used to love being alone in my car so that I could work on various voices and impressions.

      I had a damn good Eddie Vedder at one point. David Bowie, too. I could've been the next Rich Little... or whatever impressionist the kids are crazy about these days. Still Rich Little, I suppose.

      Delete
  5. This hurts my soul it's so heartbreaking. Anyone who has ever gone through a breakup ought to feel empathy for you. This was like an Adele song but more introspective and less blind poetic fury. No advice that I can give would help or be of any use as you're going to work through this your way. It's just good to know that even through this you still maintain your sense of humor. It seems like you're not imploding but rather reassessing. And that's healthy.

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    1. Hi, Pickleope.

      I was going to fancy this up with an intro, or else make it more poetic, or... do SOMETHING with it.

      But then I realized this is pretty much the running commentary that's been going through my head for 3 1/2 weeks now, and I just typed out what I heard.

      I think this might be the end of this series of blog posts now. Just gotta wake up tomorrow and start it all again...

      Delete
  6. Katy, a couple of things leap out at me from this.

    First, you've worked through the first phase of what I've called 'healing-logic' - it's the after-action report of a war you didn't choose to fight, but which wound up finding you. Not fun. But you've come through.

    Second, I can relate. I married the smartest gal I knew back-when, and learned that her intelligence didn't mean she was capable of human feelings. Lesson learned. Mistake noted.

    Won't do that again.

    There are far worse things than being single - you will sleep again, and you won't need to resort to pills to do it. You probably won't learn anything new from your therapist, but it's a good thing to have someone to talk to, even if you have to pay them.

    And, as I learned later - the sun will come up whether I'm directly involved, or not. (Shock!) - It's not about me....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Will.

      The next few months are going to be fairly full and stressful, anyway.

      Which might be a good thing.

      Hopefully, I'll be too busy to do anything stupid - like showing up drunk at her job or house.

      Delete
    2. Please don't do that. I don't want to hear about you on the five o'clock news. That is what worries me. You have friends you can call if things start getting too bad. Hopefully one of us can talk you out of it. Look at it this way... no person is worth losing your life and career over. New lovers can be found. The other two aren't as easily replaced.

      Delete
    3. So far, so good. I mean, I don't think I've done anything one could be arrested for (yet).

      Delete
  7. Damn. I'm sorry. I really am. You seem pretty strong, so I'm thinking you are gonna be just fine. xx

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    1. Hi, Melanie! I'm going to be okay. Much poorer financially... and sooner or later I have to figure out what kind of stand to make about the kids!

      Delete
    2. I'm not going to unload that bullshit about what doesn't kill you...blah, blah, blah, because that I'd the last thing you want to hear. You will figure it out and all will turn out better in the end. I hope. I have to believe that, otherwise everything I have been through would make me possibly suicidal. Take a minute and catch your breath. To paraphrase the great philosopher, Yoda, a solution well present itself. Stay strong sister!

      Delete
    3. SOMETHING is sure to happen.

      They should have a book of Yoda-isms. No one has thought of doing that? Really?

      Delete
    4. Hopeless you're not. Find another you will. Strong is the dark side but stronger still is the light. Give not in to the dark side.

      Delete
    5. All you're missing is the ears...

      Oh, and maybe the light saber.

      Delete
  8. You are smart and pretty and funny...and I'm not lying. I don't know that putting up pictures of the two of you together is helpful, though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's sort of my goodbye blog for the whole Dana thing.

      The pics are three of my favorite pics of us - I was had been saving them for a relevant blog.

      Now, I've basically dumped them into this one.

      Unless something else weird happens, this is it for my multi-part breakup saga...

      Delete
  9. no advise on this thing. however... this song comes to mind

    So take a letter Maria, address it to my wife
    Say I won't be coming home, gonna start a new life

    http://youtu.be/Z9Y0x1jLkLg

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, a bunch f songs that I always considered corny b.s. have started making a lot of sense to me over this past month...

      Delete
    2. Yeah, when you go through something like this, songs have new meaning. Just don't continually listen to the sad songs like I did or you'll drive yourself deeper into depression.

      Delete
    3. My taste in music tends not to be overly sappy. It seems unlikely that I'm going to sit around listening to "Wind Beneath My Wings" ad nauseum.

      At the same time, I can't integrate ANY event into my life until I give it a soundtrack...

      Delete
    4. This may not be your style of music, but it seems appropriate for this set of blogs.


      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_fKEkMd2OwY&feature=youtube_gdata_player

      Delete
    5. Thanks. You're right: I definitely seem to be developing a theme here.

      Delete
  10. sweet baby jesus, aren't break-ups hard? the layers of dismantling can be quite disarming. it took me like 6 months to admit i needed to grieve my last love. and a month to admit my false-hopefull recent non-love was a bust. sounds like you are doing better than I am. keep on passing the open windows, kiddo!
    hopelessly romantic idealist- V

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    1. Hi, Violet. I am happy to say it has been FIVE days since I've called her on the phone while bawling like a baby.

      I haven't called her at all since Friday!

      I haven't texted her since Saturday!

      I have not emailed her since Sunday!

      Baby steps! Baby steps!

      Delete
    2. not a day goes by that i do not think of my last 2.5 exes- and their families, whom I loved as well... and they're all gone- poof!
      people think that once a couple breaks up- that's it. two to one. but it is not. it is like going from 62 to 1. and it sucks.
      cyberhugs for ya m'lady... i get it. all too well. wish you were closer, i'd kidnap you for some drunken stupidity. that always helps me.


      each day is a new day.
      each breath is a new breath.

      Delete
    3. At least families know which "side" they're going to end up being on. Friends are a little more of a delicate situation.

      Talk about uncomfortable...

      I am ging to try and just not think about any of it for a little while...

      Delete
    4. I don't know how it is for you, but I've found it incredibly difficuex, though not impossible, to be friends with an ex.

      Delete
    5. Sorry. Difficult. I don't know where difficuex came from.

      Delete
    6. It varies for me. I'll get back to you in a month, haha...

      Delete
    7. Here's wishing you luck. I'm about 30% on being friends with exes. I almost never communicate with any of them anymore because we've moved on and have other things in our lives.

      Delete
    8. That's good. I mean, that's a GOOD thing, to move on.

      I guess.

      It's tragic, in a way. To leave something that meant so much to you behind.

      But... The alternatives are uniformly bad.

      Delete
    9. Yes, it may seem tragic, but in reality it's for the best. GADZOOKS! I've stumbled upon the meaning of life!

      Delete
  11. Stay strong. I find that out of those 7 billion people, at least .0001% of them don't suck. Maybe even more. That's how I found my wife. Had to find her on the Internet (dating site, not e-bride site), but it was better than searching for her in some skeezy bar. Not everyone sucks. Just 99.9999% of them.

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    1. Thanks. I can't even imagine inflicting my mental state on another person right now.

      It's going to be a while before I even consider dating...

      Delete
  12. The Archbishop Of CanterburySeptember 20, 2012 at 6:51 PM

    Katy, we live in a "broken creation", thats why people have trouble getting along with one another.

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    1. Hi, Archbishop! Thank you for your insight.

      As it so happens, I have spent the last couple of months meditating on this idea in the desert just outside of the Nile delta, and I am pretty sure the problem with our society is [drum roll...] chicken sandwiches.

      And also, maybe, music industry mergers.

      Delete
  13. Its funny you should say that Katy because i actually love chicken sandwiches although thats probably something that myself and the archbishop also disagree about.

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  14. Richard Dawkins (with just a hint of Christian Dior)September 22, 2012 at 10:48 AM

    Katy, i dont give a tuppenny damn what that silly bastard likes, he believes in god so he must be an idiot by definiton. However i must admit that he did officiate rather nicely last year at the royal wedding though, although only in a purely cosmetic sense, all that religious stuff that he was verbally spewing was complete and utter tosh ! ! !.

    ReplyDelete

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