Breaking off a long-term relationship with somebody is a lot like… It’s like… Well, breaking up with somebody is a lot like clubbing a baby seal to death.
Most normal people are not really going to want to club that baby seal. It is not anything to look forward to. It is unseemly. You just know that it’s going to wind up messy.
Okay, sure, there are likely a few sickos, a certain breed of masochist running around out there loose on the streets with no supervision who relishes this sort of opportunity whenever it arises. Who see it as their big chance to show off their manliness, to have their revenge on life, to take out their accumulated frustrations (“THIS! IS! FOR! SUZIE! REJECTING! ME! IN! NINTH! GRADE!”) on that baby seal.
But we are not talking about such outliers. No, not today. We are talking about your average, well-adjusted member of society who, it just so happens, finds himself or finds herself in a position where it has become necessary to, you know… club a baby seal to death.
As you undoubtedly already know, this can occur for any number of reasons.
As you undoubtedly already know, this can occur for any number of reasons.
And when it occurs, most people go into a sort of denial for a while. You know, you try and pretend that this baby seal does not need to be clubbed to death. You keep finding excuses to put it off for later and for later and for later.
We all know the drill, am I right? All those dirty dishes get washed. Yeah, I’ve done it, too. That closet upstairs that has needed to be cleaned out for at least six years, really, it finally warrants your attention. Or maybe, I don’t know… Maybe you finally spend some time learning a foreign language. You go plop down the cash for Rosetta Stone.
Well, you can procrastinate all you like, buddy, but eventually, it comes down to this: You are going to have to face facts. That baby seal is not going to club itself!
So take up your club and follow me.
In both breakups and seal clubbings, all you can do you is to hope and to pray that the thing goes down easy.
You come sneaking up behind it like, when it’s not expecting you. This is absolutely essential and it serves two purposes. First, it saves you from having to look the little sucker in the eyes. Study after study has shown that up to 74% of seal clubbing attempts are thwarted by the infamous and deceptive phenomenon known as “Sad Eyes”.
Do not let Sad Eyes throw your mission off-course. You are a professional!
And secondly, sneaking up behind your baby seal gives you the element of surprise – which is always an advantage in any murder or in any breakup. Who knows? You could even get lucky and take the thing out with a single blow and then be able to go on about your life as though the whole ugly mess had never occurred.
Because anything beyond that single solitary blow begins to resemble a nightmare scenario.
And every time you think it is finally finished, the baby seal springs back to life like that blond terrorist in the original Die Hard, reminding you why you put this horrible thing off as long as you did.
Roundabout the time of the baby seal’s third miraculous resuscitation, you just know that you are going to suffer permanent psychic scarring from this ordeal. By God, why in the hell is this baby seal putting you through all this?
And all of this because you couldn’t pull off the initial knockout blow.
So if it should so happen that you, even now, as you are reading this, are planning to dump a longtime lover or club a baby seal to death, I pray that the gods see fit to make it easy on you. On you, the dumper or the clubber, as the case may be.
I pray that the gods make it easy and allow you, with a perfectly clear conscience, to then go and get a bite to eat with a friend. Or to do some shopping. Or maybe even to find a new lover or a new baby seal.
As my Uncle Charlie always said about these things, “Practice makes perfect.”
Godspeed, noble clubbers. Godspeed.
Here's my favorite baby seal clubbing song.ReplyDelete
She came by tonight for something or other... It wasn't exactly clear.Delete
It was very uncomfortable.
I don't want her to die, though.
It's less about really wanting that person to die, but more about wanting our feelings involving the breakup to die. I don't really want any of my exes to die, but this song seems to be just about right for the day you realize that the two of you will never be and get angry about wasting so much time on the relationship. Sometimes you have to get mad before you realize that nothing is going to help the situation and move on. Just don't act on those feelings of anger unless its just writing a scathing blog or diary entry. In the past, I found that I was angry at the person for wasting my time when I was bending over backwards to make the relationship work.Delete
It's been four weeks now.
I'm actually feeling okay today. But I think I still have a hell of a lot of blogs left in me!
You mentioned that she thought you were terrible for some reason. Care to let us in on what that reason was?Delete
It's not clear what particular negative characteristic that I possess was her motivating factor.Delete
But even if I doubt her excuse for leaving, there is little doubt that SINCE then, I've done enough to give ANYONE reason to steer clear of me.
As I read somewhere recently, I'm like a seal that won't just die on the spot when it's clubbed...
I was curious to know if same sex relationships were like the heterosexual relationships I've had. It seems that they aren't much different.Delete
Heterosexual women seem to like to leave trying to pin some unmentioned foul then later you learn that there was someone else. I'm not saying that this was the case in your relationship but there does seem to be that element of making the lover think they had done something horribly wrong. Possibly, it's to cover their own feelings of guilt for what they were doing or planning behind your back. As far as your response, it's much like mine, though I was so glad to be rid of that last one that I didn't make as much of a fuss. Either that or I've just gotten to the point that I really don't care anymore.
I can't say that my life is applicable to any demographic.Delete
For some reason, everything that happens to me can be applied broadly to all Inuits.
Never figured out how that works. I think it's because I think like a fish...
Careful. You might get eaten by a baby seal.Delete
I'll have to alert Dana! She seems pretty good at clubbing very cute and very harmless little critters...Delete
I like to club a few baby seals, then open them up like Han Solo did to that weird thing in Empire Strikes Back. I use their carcasses to keep warm in the cold arctic weather. Sometimes though, I end up getting clubbed by accident by another seal-clubbing enthusiast. people are whores.ReplyDelete
You are one of those sickos I mention in this post.Delete
Tan-Tans are beautiful creatures and I have no idea why even a Wampa would possibly want to hurt one.
what great way to express this emotion/concept - you are the BEST blogger...ReplyDelete
I know how you feel! When Mrs. Butterworth found a video of me giving Aunt Jemima some tongue action, she remove herself from my diet. I could feel the RAGE building to an uncontrollable level. I felt like slow roasting Pink-o, the fat commie dog!
Here is the video that cause all the heart break http://youtu.be/2Kbu2EClHb0
this blog has given me the motivation to transfer my "THE CONCEPT OF INNOCENCE" blog
be back in a little while
Thank you, GOODSTUFF!Delete
I don't always manage the emotion thing very well. If I'm not careful, I get lost in a sense of my own cleverness and lose the humanity...
Sometimes, especially when dealing with breakfast product characters, rage is all that you cold possibly feel...
innocent eyes -- THE CONCEPT OF INNOCENCE -- http://pinterest.com/goodstuffsworld/concept-innocence/Delete
Those are some cool pics! Looks like you're able to use pinterest to support your blogging format and style, man.Delete
Question: what are seal clubbings (and indeed all violence, people on animals, people on people, and animals on people) directly derived from ?, answer: thats right Katy...you guessed it...first time...the fact that we live in a hideously sexually repressed society that prefers lies and hypocrisy over the truth and hatred and violence over love and sex ! ! !. 100 years from now everybody will be literally fucking everybody else 24 hours a day, life will just be one long orgasm and orgy for EVERYBODY (and every animal) on earth and all the pain and misery and nonsense from our loathsome time in history will be finally and thankfully forgotton forever ! ! !.ReplyDelete
That sounds incredibly monotonous. There are a ton of things to do and accomplish in the world other than just sex.Delete
I suppose I ought to be glad I shall be dead and buried by the time this giant orgasm occurs...
Why do you spend time with and talk to actual human garbage like this asshole, while you ignore, harm, and desert real people who are important in your real life?Delete
"My ways are mysterious / Sometimes even to myself / My ways are mysterious!"Delete
Not wanting her to die is a good first step, and a healthy one.ReplyDelete
Wanting to hit her with a club probably isn't, but it's a sign that you're getting past it all.
(For what it's worth, I had a friend who had one of those WWF plush-toy baby seals on his desk. He'd made a little prospector's-pick out of what-all in his garage, and sank it in the little guy's head, then covered the area with a random pattern of red-ink from the supply-locker. Yeah, he was sick, but I liked him. Points for inventiveness. People would even walk up and get ready to say, 'Oh! What a cute----" - then they'd gasp. Priceless....)
I am the seal.Delete
Dana seems very unhappy that I haven't just completely given up - that i didn't just walk away smiling when she dumped me.
It made me realize that my calls, my attempts to correct things, is all sort of like the death pangs of an animal. How it must make things eorse to see me crying.
I don't go quietly.
As painful as it is to club a baby seal to death, being the seal is much worse.Delete
Those damn baby seals and dumpees are ALWAYS thinking about themselves, making themselves out to be victims.Delete
No one ever thinks about the people doing the clubbing. What about THEIR feelings?
I wrote this post to try and correct that.
Because Katy realises (albeit reluctantly perhaps) that "the sayer of the truth" is indeed "the truth", unlike ludicrous and pathetic morons like you "on5464" who are very frightened of the future.ReplyDelete
Maybe on5464 just knows about the future to know about the polar shift that is going to occur in 3 months.Delete
You can still buy green bananas, but don't make any long-term investments...
"on5464", perhaps even Katy herself doesn`t realise this, but "the sayer of the truth" (AKA Jervaise Brooke Hamster) IS the most important person in her life, it is he who will ultimately lead her (and everybody else) to the promised land, as it were. Silly bastards like "on5464" will just lead us back in time and right down the shit-hole (which is where he probably lives already ! ! !).ReplyDelete
I think it's safe to say that I am officially without a most important person in my life right now.Delete
But Clearly, if I had to rank people, commenters who bicker back and forth wold be way up there on the list!
Don't club that baby seal. Then it will grow to be a big strong leopard seal which will grab you in its jaws, drag you to three hundred metres below, drown you, and then eat you. Wow!ReplyDelete
I am the seal! I don't die as easily as the people clubbing me wish I would.
I sort of feel apologetic about it, I guess. Seeing me in these death pangs have to be so unsightly for her...
Katy, once again quite a few important com-girl-ts have gone unpublished, you should`ve published them all, they would have been very educational for your other contributers and com-girl-ters.ReplyDelete
Ah yes Katy, December 21st 2012, the last day of the Mayan calender, Jane Fonda's 75th birthday, the 75th anniversary of the original release of "Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs" in North American cinema's, and the shortest day of the year. Thats quite an astonishing four-way convergence of events that might indeed bring about the end of the world, in three months we will know the truth.ReplyDelete
OK. Until then, maybe we can do things like write blog posts that compare our significant other who broke up with us with people who club baby seals to death.Delete
Hey! I already wrote that blog post!
Why is it that the wittering loonies have picked this post to unleash their mindless flame wars?ReplyDelete
Someday, I'll chart out what topics bring them out.Delete
It's gotta be tough for them to really bare their teeth, this week, because I'm only publishing about every third comment.
maybe a dose of some dumbassed shit movie viewing would help balance the clubbing scenario.ReplyDelete
i still go to "blades of glory" for a cheap laugh with amazing costumes that make drag queens jealous.
double dongs on ice.
I have a whole generation or two of dumb movies to catch up on.Delete
Maybe I will be able to now!
I wanted to believe you, after I first called you out on this, but I guess a liar always lies, even when she knew that she shouldn't.ReplyDelete
All these Hamster characters are, were and shall forever be, your creation, as a symptom of your conditions. The most telling aspect of this observation is how you framed these characters in the most evil and vile form of the human psyche, not unlike how dark this particular blog essay is. Sure you are portraying yourself to be the victim baby seal in the comment section, but your original intent of describing how you had killed and still needed and wanted to kill a few such baby seals in your real life is shown through your words as bright as the dawning sun I saw a weekend ago.
The human mind can be dark as yours, it happens, it's okay to have happened, just as long as you recognize it and do what you must to brighten your mind with the good things in life, such as treasuring family and friends who love and care about you, and working on the things you whole-heartedly love to do.
Fight the darkness, please, let goodness prevail. You didn't post as Hamster for nearly a week after I challenged you last time, you can end it now, completely, for good. Let it go, please, let all of it go; for you don't need it in the rest of your life. Let it go, then it won't exist any more. xox
I thought long and hard before approving this comment.Delete
But it was so bizarre that I couldn't resist.
Here's the scenario:
STEP ONE: I generally spend 2 or 3 days to think of a good blog topic. That has been shortened as of late because of the blog topic, but suffice it to say I spend an embarrassing amount of time strategizing for my next blog post.
STEP TWO: I set aside between one and five hours to actually write the dam thing. This means I set aside a day on the weekend or an entire evening.
STEP THREE: I read through the thing in various voices, making sure each word is more or less how I want it to be.
STEP FOUR: I post it and THEN I further edit and check for mistakes.
Now you are suggesting that I do STEP FIVE: Assume a series of anonymous characters who bombard me with between 5 and 45 comments per post on topics that completely disregard the blog I just took days to prep and actually distract my readers from the blog I just took days to write.
That's your theory?
YES, but not "theory", fact.Delete
Do you think on5464 is maybe some deranged relative? I wonder if this person is dangerous. Either way, I'm rooting for you to make it through this. For purely selfish reasons, of course. Your blog is one of the few I like enough to read regularly ;-)ReplyDelete
Thank you, Rupert!Delete
I love writing in this blog! There aren't a lot of good things that are constants in my life right now.
This page is, as silly as that sounds.
I'm glad there are a few folks who enjoy following along...
I'm rooting for you, FWIW. Please wake up in baby-seal heaven already.ReplyDelete
I'm good. I think I'm good.Delete
I mean, compared to two weeks ago, I'm good.
Hopefully you will be as much better in two more weeks than you are now.Delete
My prediction? Up and down. Lots of up and lots of down.Delete
We for one play along but don't believe much since we think really hard Ringo wishes mostly upon peace inside sing-along wisdom with filthy bats (through shitty teeth they sing) leering through the bathroom window as you shave Katy's fascinating she-she what shape should it be clear the sill Katy so we ALL can see you crazy bitch
What goes onnnnnn in your heart?
What goes onnnnnn in your mind?
You are tearing Katy apart
When you treeeeeat her so unkind
What goes onnnnnn in your mind?
It's so easy for a girl like you to lie
Tell us why
We used to think of no one else
But you were just the same
You didn't even think of us
As someone with a name
Did you mean to break our hearts and watch us die
Tell us why
What goes onnnnnn in your heart?
What goes onnnnnn in your mind?
You are tearrr-ing us apart
When you treeeeeat us so unkind
What goes onnnnnn in your mind?
The wind is low
the birds will sing
that you are part of everything
Won't you open up your eyes?
There's something about having Beatles lyrics rewritten for me that makes me smile.Delete
I think the lyrics originally had a reference to voyeurism, bats. and pube shaving, but they were changed due to, well... 1966 and all.
Katy. I once saw a cartoon which depicted the face of a baby seal painted onto the paw of a Polar bear hidden on the snowy ice.Delete
I'm thinking of taking a pube waxing-sculpting course over to the community college here in Santa Fe. I'll call when I can carve a decent baby seal. The imagries of that are both heart warming and unsettling.
"It's getting better all the time... Bet-ter, Bet-ter!"
"Clubbing a baby seal" would take on a whole new meaning, huh?Delete
I won't have a better line than that this week!
Hi Katy! I just saw this and immediately thought of you. I think it might help take your mind off things for at least a few minutes! (Hint: one description is a " flying, lead-spewing dragonfly of death"):ReplyDelete
I have thought about strapping a high caliber weapon of some kind to my van hood in order to help me out in Houston traffic.Delete
This is way better!
It's like those military drones they're using over in Pakistan, except without all of the pesky governmental red tape!
Look around round roundReplyDelete
Well Katy you know they don't club easy
You know they don't club easy
Ringo paid your dues
Seals don't sing the blues
You know they don't club easy
You don't really yelp or flip-flop about
Look around round round
You can even club them easy
Forget about your past and all your sorrows...(Hell this isn't helping.
No, this isn't helping anyone is it? Look around round round.
Seals and Beatles and she-shes of course it isn't helping.
It makes no sense. Just doesn't work. Get out now.
Fucking Ringo with his peace and love sing-alongs.)
Look around round round.
No, piss off Dana! Good luck finding a perfect anylife with anyone.
They don't club easy.Delete
I hope Lennon and McCartney appreciated all the material my personal life gave them.
Eating a grape always makes me feel nervous because the last four letters of that word is the word "RAPE" ! ! !.ReplyDelete
Yeah, but the last three letters spell "ape", and those things are hilarious.Delete
Bowing once again to your blogging greatness. Your description is visual (graphic?)and perfect. I am sorry you got hit by a glancing blow rather than a straight shot to the head. Just for the record, this is not the best way to get a year's worth of blogging material.ReplyDelete
Hi, Brent! I love this post! It's my favorite one in months...Delete
Season 1 of Lesbians in My Soup was "Bigamy."
Season 2 was "Religion."
Season 3 is "The Breakup."
It's just how it turns out.
I didn't want to mention the Double Bigamy since as the eternal optimist and one who always believes in redemption, I hope you and Dana will get back together. If not you may need a good lawyer to untangle your marital situation(s).Delete
If there is one thing that I do not have a scarcity of around me, it's lawyers.Delete
However, my understanding is that in the same way that cars need fuel to move, lawyers require money.
There are more lawyers around me than there is money.
That could be a problem.
Not having money when being around lawyers? The lawyers would tell you the universe is in balance.Delete
The words "lawyer" and "balance" used in the same sentence?Delete
I did use words balance and lawyer in the same sentence. However it was in reference to a bank balance, so I can get by with it.Delete
Hmmm... I don't know about that answer.Delete
Almost seems lawyer-like in its attempt to split hairs...
Despite Time you've influenced the greats, even Mark Twain wrote, "Sacred seals make the best hamburger," we believe yes we believe and that time you yelped at the sight of your shaven she-she, "Ah! böwakawa poussé, poussé. Ah! böwakawa poussé, poussé." What more can we say? It seemed so very real. It seemed so real to us.ReplyDelete
I gave Jesus some great advice.Delete
Poor baby seals. Clearly the ones who successfully club them are heartless, Voldemort types. Right?ReplyDelete
Some of those seals are just asking for it, I hear.Delete
Your influence on Eternity is not well known because of your modesty. It is your modesty to blame.ReplyDelete
But who or what else could originate such profound thought as discussed in the Book of Leviticus?
"And if a woman approach unto any beast, and lie down thereto, in order that the beast may lie with her, and solicit it to commit such an action with her, thou shall kill the woman and the beast, the woman by stoning, and the beast with clubs to prevent monstrous births."
You are the oral Targum.
And if that doesn't satisfy your skeptics, consider the case of the 700 Club, whereby you calculated the weight of club necessary to kill - humanely - a seal with one blow, specifically 700 stones in ancient measure.
The only question left for the likes of YOU is to figure out whether I KNOW I'm a prophet or whether it is sort of accidental.
It's sort of like the plot of "Gravity's Rainbow", where a German bomb ends up falling on every British site where Tyrone Slothrop shags a girls, to the point where the Allies start trying to figure out what the connection is.
I'm just like that, really. Only different.
So we took you by surprise,ReplyDelete
You see right through those monsters' eyes.
Hard to know just how they feel, but...
They know you are the first and last Prophet, the Seal.
(The Ender. The Way, the One who completes.)
Ah, but the gargoyles wonder, just how do you sleep?
Ahh, how do you sleep, at night?
Messengers laughed at what you said.
Thought you're in over your head.
Some whisper she's crazy insane.
Could she have what Heaven cannot attain?
Ah, the messengers wonder how does she sleep?
Ahh, how does she sleep, at night?
But we know the oceans will open.
We know the fish will fly.
We know the sky will blacken.
We know the birds will die.
And only she will sing. Only She will sing.
Upon the eleventh hour only in a minute She will sing for the children.
To see what only bees can see.
To hear what only bats can hear.
If only for a minute then oh-oo-oh...
The Sun will flash and strike.
The oceans will leap.
The skies will shriek.
They'll learn what it's like, to be meek.
(the mystery of this theme revealed: the new children - the creatures - able to speak.)
Ah, but Eve how will you put the people to sleep?
Eve, how will put them ALL to sleep, that night?
When the oceans open and the fish fly. The skies blacken and the birds die.
Sing, but tell us what it's like - please - to be at once, Everything.
Human-unkind on their knees. And oh-oo-oh how will they sleep?
When the oceans open and the fish fly.
When the skies blacken.
When the birds die.
When the World is underwater.
And Everyone is dead.
Ah, will you let the gargoyles sleep?
Ahh, will you let us at least sleep, at night?
Katy, recently on this site Jervaise Brooke Hamster has been given a complete brush-off (except for a com-girl-t left by one of his alter-egos Jennifer Croissant), why has that rodent been apparently dismissed ?.ReplyDelete
It really surprises me that anyone smart enough to hit "on" on their computer would have to ask such a question. You are going to find that - regardless of what name you post comments under - I will generally approve comments.Delete
However, you have to be well aware that you have consistently behaved like an imbecile in your comments. You have posted upwards of 12 off-topic comments in a period of 5 minutes.
You have suggested that you would like to sodomize me, my daughter, and an assortment of other CHILDREN and adults.
You disrespect me. You disrespect other commenters on my page.
I will not approve such trash.
I hope this answers your question and helps you to fashion more appropriate comments in the future!
Katy, as an example, you have to admit that "on5464" (for instance) has been much more consistently offensive, disrespectful, and objectionable with his com-girl-ts than i have ever been, and yet his com-girl-ts are always published, i hear what you`re saying with regards to some of the filth and dirt that i have attempted to post here but i still sense some borderline double standards going on.ReplyDelete
Haha... on5464 is batting about a 400 this season on getting comments published.Delete
A wiser blogger than me would ban both of y'all's asses.
But I am a forgiving type...
Katy, you seem to be missing the point here (if you dont mind me saying so), what i primarily want to know is why on earth would you prefer scum like "on5464" over me ?.ReplyDelete
It's because I am her main squeeze 24x7x365.
It's because she can't live without me, this life or next.
It's because we are the adam and eve, after having eaten the apple and found out how amazing sex is.
It's because posting my comments is so much easier and more exciting than making up what you would say.
It's because she could use you to get me to write a comment or two, to tell each other that we are still alive, still willing and able to ...
I'm passive aggressive, so I don't need to club any seals. I just act really mean and annoying and uninterested until the seal gets so mad it clubs itself.ReplyDelete
That is a great idea!Delete
because then - when those asinine environmentalists and animal activists start complaining about seal clubbing, you can point out that some seals club themselves, and if it's so bad, why would that happen?
It's the same argument used about Africans selling Africans into slavery in the 16th century.
If only they'd post videos of themselves here, it would be worth our time (watching), like castrating themselves with a hammer or whacking their foreheads until consciousness fades.ReplyDelete
If only they'd do just one of those.