Saturday, August 3, 2013

I Have a Girlfriend?

She called me her girlfriend.

This happened the other day.

We were lying in bed and we were talking, her forehead pressed up against my forehead, the way we do whenever we are lying in bed and we are talking. Whenever we do this, her eyes look enormous to me. I cannot imagine how enormous my eyes must look to her, since my eyes are pretty enormous already, even at a great distance.

Anyway, we were doing this and we were talking, and that is when she called me her girlfriend.

You need to understand that there was no ambiguity in what she said. The context left no room for doubt. It was not a matter of, “Okay, girlfriend, now we’re going to go shopping!” or anything like that. No, it was nothing like that at all. She said, “You’re my girlfriend, so you need to tell me shit like this.” 

I don’t remember even what the “shit like this”  was anymore. The whole “you’re my girlfriend”  part that accompanied it managed to zap everything else that happened that afternoon from my memory.

She called me her girlfriend.

I was not prepared for this. It came out of nowhere and though I tried to play it off like I had maybe not heard it correctly or maybe that I did not care that I had heard it, it is difficult to fake someone out when you are lying forehead to forehead with them with their eyes two inches away from yours.

This might even be something for our criminal justice system to think about. It seems to me that witnesses testifying in courts of law would be far less likely to get away with perjury if they were made to testify while forehead to forehead with members of the jury.

Probably, there would be a lot more witness/jury member hook-ups, too.

Of course, I could be wrong about that. Women who fake orgasms must be able to fake someone out all up close and personal-like, only I am not quite certain how that works. You see, not being a straight girl, I have never had to try and fake it.

While we are on the subject of not being a straight girl, have I mentioned that Doctor Belloq called me her girlfriend the other day?

It was bound to happen eventually, I suppose. After all, we have been dating for six months now. But still, this sort of thing never ever happened to me back in the days when I used to only date straight girls.

Doctor Belloq, on the other hand, is a real live in-the-flesh gold star lesbian. She’s even got an ex who is serving time in a federal penitentiary, which is always a surefire way of knowing that you’re dealing with a real live in-the-flesh gold star lesbian.

There are some definite advantages to dating a real live in-the-flesh gold star lesbian, though. Maybe you and I will talk about some of them someday, when you are older.

She called me her girlfriend the other day and I think I’m okay with that, even though I was never consulted on the matter and even though I had sort of hoped (after my last long-term relationship disaster) that I might, you know, play the field a little more this time out.

Plus, I am still married to someone else. Or to two someone elses, even, depending on which state I happen to be standing in at the time.

Doctor Belloq called me her girlfriend and I did not speak up to protest, which could be interpreted as tacit agreement. Mostly, I think it was just the shock and the confusion from trying to figure out what Doctor Belloq might want with a girlfriend like me. 

64 comments:

  1. First we learn that she's smart, insightful and amazing. Today we learn she's also gorgeous and communicative? Unless she's dealing meth out of your bathroom, you need to forget the questions and enjoy the awesome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, but she likes me, which can only mean that her judgment is faulty...

      Delete
  2. When you're forehead to forehead, where do the noses go?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. It's like... let me see here... like the TOP of the forehead. The noses don't even have to touch that way.

      Damn. Now I have to go do it again and see what's going on with the noses.

      Delete
    2. Then you'd have to peer up under your brows to see eye-to-eye, right? Get a lot of headaches that way.

      Delete
    3. I have two super powers.

      I never get bitten by mosquitoes and I never get headaches.

      Those things don't seem like much, but based on what I hear from people who suffer from either or both, they're nothing to scoff at.

      Delete
    4. You're probably not tasty enough.

      Unlike me.

      Delete
    5. I have tried to figure it out for years. Even wrote a blog about it last summer.

      The only thing I can figure?

      Those mosquitoes know better than to bite me.

      Delete
  3. like this "a real live in-the-flesh gold star lesbian"

    Why do I want to comment about my dogs when I come here? Are crude comments in fashion? Will I ever think about my bitches the same innocent way again...

    When I do the forehead to forehead thing with Moto (the hussy bitch) she licks my face. Thinking of her as a girl friend is just weird.

    Mooyoung (mother of Pinko and Bipole) likes to do the forehead to forehead stuff. After reading this post, I can't help but think about french kissing my grandmother. Mooyoung cries out "THATS GROSS!"

    http://tinyurl.com/goodstuff-puppies

    ---------

    Does Doctor Belloq have any tatoos?

    Finally, is three mugs of sweeten coffee too much?



    ReplyDelete
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    1. Your dogs are cute. If one of them starts saying you're its girlfriend, though, you might have to nip that in the bud.

      I have enough tats for the two of us, by the way...

      Delete
  4. Awww... This totally gave me the warm fuzzies. Kind of like how I'd feel after watching a Hallmark channel movie if Hallmark channel movies weren't actively bad. Also? I love the way you write.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you~! For years, all I could write is sort of the weird, dark stuff, so it is significant that you say I can pull off more uplifting material.

      Someday, I'm going to manage to write something my kids can read...

      Delete
  5. are you going to get a tat of Doctor Belloq on your forehead?

    by the way, some of this should make since next Friday...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Face tattoos sort of limit future job prospects.

      Neck, maybe. Probably not face.

      Delete
  6. This is all very sweet. Congratulations :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, no: Sweet? My next couple blog posts are going to have to be very dark indeed.

      Haha... I'm kidding, sort of. Thank you.

      Delete
  7. Replies
    1. Thanks, Rupert.

      Everything was the same in my life for a long time. And now everything is different.

      I like it when that happens.

      Delete
  8. Well, well. I just spent the last few days at the funeral if my cousin's husband. He was 41 and the had been together since they were in high school and the were always happy together. So it was quite sad.

    Reading this just made me happy. So thank you.

    And you enjoy your new status...I see no reason you shouldn't.... All the rest of life will sort itself out!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 41 is way too young!

      Part of me thinks that would be so cool to have found someone when I was young and to be with that person for my whole life.

      My great grandparents were like that and they seemed very happy and everyone was jealous of them.
      My grandparents were also like that, but only because they were too lazy to leave each other and find someone else.

      I think it's always an accomplishment to find someone I can stand being around and who can stand being around me!

      Delete
  9. Oh, come on! I call b.s. You didn't consider her your girlfriend when she helped you get your kids back? Enough of this self-deprecatory nonsense about "how could she be into me?" You clearly offer something that interests her, don't question it, be yourself, mash your foreheads together, enjoy being in a relationship.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The first thing Belloq ever said to me was, "You got somethin' to say, cunt?"

      It's nice to see that her impression of me has gotten better.

      I need to be appreciative this time out. I'm not always as appreciative as I should be when someone gives a damn.

      Delete
  10. Rupert said it all. I am happy for you. You deserve this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know whether I deserve it, but I am happy about it. If nothing else, it's always nice to have someone to act as a check on my crazier behavior...

      Delete
  11. Katy. For starters, you should stop purchasing Red Baron Pizzas. When the dogs and I have serious discussions, they jam their slick, gooey noses against mine putting our eyes at three-to-five inches apart. But it's been so long since I've been eye-to-eye with a woman in intimate conversing that...

    What you need to do now is remember what it was that brought about the "you're my girlfriend" mention. This is need-to-know and I need to know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Mooner, I don't want to tel you anything that might win you the attention of yet another woman.

      I don't even KNOW as many women as you've married.

      I go giving you the secret of winning over a woman, and suddenly you're standing at the altar again and it's my fault. That's a responsibility I don't need...

      Delete
  12. a real live in-the-flesh gold star lesbian.

    I don't know why but I love this line. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha... Hey, if I can get just one good line in per blog, I feel like I've done a great job.

      That one DOES make it sound as though she ought to be in a circus or a zoo with people filing past, gawking, though, doesn't it?

      Delete
  13. Hey.

    *I* like you, and my judgment is impeccable.

    Also, the whole dealing-meth-out-of-your-bathroom thing is a pretty low bar. Think of something else that's a show-stopper; like leaving used tampons lying about.

    But, what the hell do I know. I'm single. As the other gal said, 'enjoy the awesome'.

    But be ready for whatever happens.

    (Personal note: Several years ago [okay; ten] I dated a gal; she was tall, pretty, red-haired, and funny. Smart and sassy. Kind. All of that. I just couldn't believe it all, so I ended it.

    Her friends told me I'd broken her heart into a million pieces. I felt bad about that, but I was more comfortable with being alone. I just couldn't believe.

    Found out a year ago that she died of cancer the year before.

    53 was too young, also.

    Again; enjoy the awesome. This is all we've got.)

    --W

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. These days, I try to do more of the Vonnegut approach to appreciating life: When things are good, sitting back and saying, "If this isn't nice, what is?"

      That's not easy for type A personalities like me.

      When I was younger, I always felt like I was running too fast to pay attention to these things.

      Enjoying the awesome is harder than it sounds.

      Delete
  14. Replies
    1. Thanks...

      Sometimes, there's love and peace. Usually not.

      Delete
  15. It's hard enough as a man to find a gold-star straight girl that isn't batshit crazy, or jaded by her exes, or doesn't hide all of her feelings (or doesn't fake it, as mentioned). I can only imagine how hard it is to find a gold-star lesbian. So congratulations!

    And why DO straight women fake it? I've never understood this. "I know, instead of telling him that particular method isn't working, I'm going to let him think I absolutely love it, so I can slowly craft him into a terrible lover and then resent him when he can't get me off at all." Brilliant!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't get it. I mean, the women I've heard discuss it say that it gets the whole ordeal over with more quickly, but then, I hear women say that getting it over with quickly is generally not a problem.

      I can't act like I'm above being oblivious to people's deceptions. My last ex was apparently bottling up all of her feelings, and I had no idea. never saw the breakup coming.

      I tell people what's on my mind. I don't know why anyone wouldn't.

      Delete
  16. Congratulations, Katy! You have now officially Traded Up. Big Time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! I am having a blast.

      I mean, look: I wrote a happy blog.

      Delete
    2. Writing a happy blog is a big step. May you write many more in the future.

      Delete
    3. Haha... Thanks. I'm sure I'll always be able to find something to be dark and weird about... I might just have to TRY...

      Delete
  17. There should be a warning required prior to making statements like that. It would have killed the mood had you laughed in her face and suggested she was off her meds.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's why people need blogs. They test the stupid shit out before they actually say it out loud, in the real world, where there's no delete button.

      Delete


    2. Besides being called a girlfriend, are there any other differences between having a honest to God card carrying lesbian and a straight girl?

      Delete
    3. That seems like a softball question, but it probably marks the border between a comedy blog and porn. I know which side of the line would get me more page views, though...

      Delete
  18. Don't you get tired of writing "real live in-the-flesh gold star lesbian"? I'll make an acronym for you.
    RLITFGSL.

    Oh ffff, never mind.

    She seems LOVELY, btw. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love repetitiveness in my writing. Mostly because I don't have to read this crap.

      Delete
  19. Did you mention that Doctor Belloq called you her girlfriend? I forget.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I tried to be subtle about it. You would have had to read between the lines.

      Delete
  20. How does that work, dating straight girls? Did they know you were dating? hmmm...
    I didn't think I could be any more confused about the dating/relationship part of life, but you have just knocked my status up to "totally baffled."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The last couple of women I've dated have been straight before they knew me, then been very gay for all intents and purposes, and then reverted after breaking up with me.

      That includes my 8-year relationship!

      I don't know how that works. Maybe I'm just THAT cool. I've never met a guy who tempted me to jump the fence. Ever.

      Delete
  21. That's poetic post Katy. She is gorgeous and looks like she is your perfect partner and your 8 years was your test period. Dana your ex is one of the reason why some morons think and believe and argue that homosexuality is a choice.
    Six months already? Happy for you Katy, finally your fallacy fairy tale of 8 years is over and true fairy tale is on the way. Congrats!
    About faking it, see I would see that as extension of politeness or e il fruit of our upbringing in politically correct world. See when my ex (still working on divorce) got me a digital keychain for 10 dollars from grocery store as my birthday present on my birthday night, when whole world managed to remember and wish and even after being with him for 24 hours that day and after 4 years of marriage and two twin kids, a digital photo keychain as washed up present did take me to cloud nine and was a nice surprise and yes I had to fake it, but didn't knew that he wasn't sorry and he didn't care or was feeling bad or anything. Women fake it for many reasons, but you are right, it doesn't worth it, better to reflect and say loud the truth and get labelled as "rude" rather than a pushover or an idiot or as a loser.

    Happy to read posts about Belloq she sounds like a treasure.

    Moral of the story: any relationship that starts off with "cunt" is in for the long run, happy long run. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think life is too complicated for easy answers, so the "born this way" meme has never done it for me.

      I don't know all of the reasons why people get with other people or why they stay with other people. I think usually, they just want to feel wanted.

      I've been there. I don't need to fake that anymore. I hope I don't, anyway. I believe I can survive anything, and if my current situation isn't great, then I will survive finding another situation.

      Delete
  22. About your relationship with straight gals, I am reminded of Jerry Seinfield.
    George : I turn them to lesbians and Kramer brings them back.
    ( maybe your intriguing interesting personality makes them swing the other side, or the fear of losing you turn them to pseudo gays? Like how those "true friend guy friends of hot gals who just stick around without expressing their true feelings for the fear of losing their friendship with the gal they have relationship with?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have to say that having experienced a range of possibilities, I think I prefer real gay girls.

      Delete
  23. Mother's day in Thailand - สุขสันต์วันแม่ "Sook san wan mae"

    have a good one

    ReplyDelete
  24. Sweet post. I was smiling while reading it. She must really like you a lot :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She seem to, but so did the last one before she didn't.
      I'll take it as long as possible.

      Delete
  25. Boy-oh! That's one way to get the message out there. It's a lot more effective way than what my girlfriend did. She just threw out that I've-got-something-to-tell-you line, and my overly anxious side took over and started trying to pinpoint what STD I might have been subjected to or whether an ex might be stopping by to murder me. Anyway, congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, no. The "We need to talk" route is bad. That's almost as bad as TALKING about when you're going to talk, which often takes longer than the actual intended talk.

      I seem to have gotten rid of those pre-talk talks last year, though.

      Delete
  26. ok so I haven't been around for like forever but I gotta say reading your blogs makes me think of your alter ego Adri, or more accurately that Adri was just your alter ego. And I wasn't ever going to even say that out loud or propose that but you threw that criminal justice system stuff in there and then your reply to Patty was just so Adriish in terms of her confidence in relationships. Then there's the links other blogs you throw in, which was an Adri thing as well. But I keep thinking NOT! and whatever; it's all just part of the wonder and razzle-dazzle of the internet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I admit nothing. I've always been best off when I let people keep guessing.

      Adri appears in this blog once in a while, by the way. Adri doesn't know that I'm actually a 930-year old male timelord, though.

      Delete
  27. The soup spoon photo is awesome btw!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks. I found the picture somewhere, actually. It's been on my c-drive for a while, but, given the name of this blog page, I knew I was going to have to use it someday!

      Delete
  28. Well, Katy she is gorgeous and smart. When I am in your shoe I usually say something to myself like, 'Anybody who would have ME can't be good enough for me' but then I settle down and enjoy it until she wises up and moves on.

    Rinse and repeat as it were.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And EVERYBODY moves on eventually.
      That's why i decided after the last relationship blew up that I was not going to prioritize getting into a new relationship.
      I'm not afraid of being alone - forever, if needed.
      I sort of ell into this, which is fine. Good, even!

      Delete

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