Sunday, March 2, 2014

A Prickly Future Passed

I have seen the future and it looks like this:

It’s not too far from when we are – from the time we’re living now – when we get to the age of the Brig Pock Craze. It is coming, and if you want to be surprised then, well then, you should stop reading this right now. There be SPOILERS here!

As near as we’re able to tell, it all starts with Phase One and the show. The show. Some hip hop performance at some random awards show, just a few years on from today. It does not matter which one and it does not matter who.

What matters is it happens. What matters is Hip Hop Guy walks out on the stage with his jeans hanging low. I mean very low. I mean very, very, extremely low, low to where he’s showing neck, if you know what I mean. Not a lot. Just a peek. But it is enough.  

It is enough where the cameras keep rolling and the people keep watching, and by morning, half the country is up in arms, offended, while the other half is considering whether they should show some neck in public, too. Well, not half the country: That would mean all the guys, obviously, and not all guys are built for this particular fad of fads.

Which becomes a real problem soon enough and later on.

Now, Phase Two starts with R&B video dancers and then with runways in Paris and runways in London and with runways wherever else it is fashion runways reside. The pants drop a little more. A little more shaft. A hint of more neck. And by the time it hits the high schools, most your southern states have passed new laws, and they’re saying, “We mean it! We really mean it! Indecent exposure is a sin, and it says as much right here in this Bible… somewhere... we think.”

Then starts Phase Three, and Phase Three is R&D. We’re talking full throttle private research and development – piles of it, like we’ve never seen before! The search for the secret of the ever-elusive big dick. Not like that stuff in the nineties, not like the spam emails and the late night t.v. ads.

They’ve been searching forever. Yeah, they’ve tried it before, with their rhino tusks and their weird-ass pumps and those injections no one dares speak of.

But this time it’s different.

The search is serious now!

Fashion is threatening to flop old inadequacies right out into the open!

So old men research. Old men develop. Old men search… and they find.

And do you want to know what  they find? Want me to spoil the future surprise?

The secret they find when they find it is this: Stem cells in the corpus cavernosum. As in, they put more  of them into the corpus cavernosum, which is that spongy part of the penis which engorges with blood when… Well, wiki it or wait. I am the last person who oughta be explaining the inner workings of hard-ons to you.

Wiki it or wait.

But now your rich guys in New York City and your jet setters in L.A., they’re all hauling twelve thick inches. They’re all showing neck out in the clubs. It is the rage. It is a status symbol. You, my friend, are nobody unless you are bigger than you were last week.

Big dicks are the new BMW.

Phase Four starts with rumors from the East. From Japan and from South Korea, from Thailand and Singapore, you’ll hear them. Reports of things taken much much too far. Tales of Brig Pock. Eighteen inches… twenty… twenty-two!

These are cartoonish monstrosities – another limb, essentially – requiring the diversion of so much blood in order to harden that the guy ends up passing out before he can use his new investment.

Twenty-four inches is pendulous. Outrageous. It’s utterly useless. But twenty-four inches is coming to America, where bigger has always been better.  What triple-J cups were to women in the Eighties, twenty-four inches are to men in the decade ahead.

The average age for these surgeries in America is just north of “Cocoon.”  Seventy-five year old CEOs hit the town to party with a bottle of Viagra and an extra pint of blood.

Emergency rooms report skyrocketing incidents of Catherine the Great-style injuries. Men’s slacks have to be completely redesigned. In March, a group of crusty movie execs nearly club Kate Upton to death – completely by accident! – when she shows up on the red carpet in a low cut dress. Then they’re all too lightheaded to help her.

This is our future, Bubba. It is not far away. I have seen the future in my travels, and the future, it looks like this.


Phase Five, when it comes, is the end. Of course! It’s the antithesis to the twenty-four inch thesis. The end comes and it is inevitable and it is overdue.

The end comes because the kids start laughing. The kids – who can never afford the ridiculous surgeries to begin with – you know they are laughing. They are laughing at the octogenarians with the dicks that require a system of pulleys and weights to erect. The kids laugh… and then they pull up their pants.

Then it is over.

The next Spring, on the runways of Paris, the male models are wearing their pants up higher than their navels. They wear their pants like the old men used to, back before the old men started trying to show off.

And as for the old men, well... As for the old men, that gets me to the heart of the reason I am telling you this story to begin with. I am telling you this: Go into the penis REDUCTION industry, Bubba.

I know it sounds crazy now, but I have seen the future. I have seen Phases One thru Five and I have seen the Brig Pock Craze.

You’re gonna thank me. When the time comes, you’re gonna be way ahead of the game. 


(**This week’s pics are all by Olivier Valsecchi**)


  1. "Just because you can use your wand now doesn't mean you can whip it out for everyone" - Lyudmila Putin

    On a personal note; Why yes, I do have my own personal bonus feature. I am the proud owner of a "Boneasorusrex" complete with golf ball inserts

    When I started Grammar School
    I used to stop off in the vestibule
    Every time that bell would ring
    I'd take out my ding a ling a ling

    I wanna play with my ding a ling a ling
    My ding a ling, my ding a ling
    I wanna play with my ding a ling a ling

    Chuck Berry

    1. I figured I had the post with the cleavage a couple weeks back; I am trying to be an equal opportunity blog here. I'm even willing to go into territory I know nothing about!

  2. Is that the Wang for the Bang, or something?

    I've seen the future and it will be
    I've seen the future and it sucks
    Or the future would suck, if it could be
    Fittin' its mouth parts round the jerk

    1. "I have seen the future and it sucks." It's amazing how I always miss the obvious ones.

  3. Damn! Had I known about this earlier, I wouldn't have spent the money on a bigger pick-up truck. :/

    1. Haha... In the future, you'll be able to overcompensate for your inadequacies by overcompensating for your inadequacies!

  4. There were some hilarious lines in this. "Just north of Cocoon" is a great descriptor that I don't think anyone under 30 would get, but I love it. Also "show your neck" HAS to be the new chant at Mardis Gras to rival the "show your mammaries" ubiquitous, drunken, frat boy trope. Are you sure you're not the one flooding my spam box with promises of penis enlargement?

    1. Spam is fantastic. Years ago, I got an email that promised, "Shoot up to 15 feet!" I think it was 15 feet. I'm not sure how that would ever come in handy. Some kind of strange parlor trick, I guess.

      I'm not sure there needs to be a chant to get drunk guys to flash for girls, though. What's the chant to make 'em keep it zipped up?

  5. I love the Catherine the Great reference. Speaking of, this will be absolutely fantastic for men who don't understand how vaginas work. "Yeah, baby, this is 25 inches long and as thick as my leg. We can't ever have sex again, but look how impressive it looks just sitting there."

    Below average guys that were once laughed at will become gods to these undersexed women. Gods.

    1. For the record, I don't believe anyone really knows how vaginas work. Gynecologists are even sort of like, "Yeah, looks roughly the way I imagine things ought to look!"

      Hell, I'm still using the picture chart thing of that blue woman from one of your old blogs when i have to figure it out.

      Still, I know enough to keep anything 25 inches long and as thick as my leg away from me...

    2. I always wonder why all the powerful women in history have these necromaniacs, zoophilia, copramaniacs titles associated with them. Whereas no matter how cruel Hans, pharaohs, Tsars are , they might have been worst pedophiles and genocide performers are all called conquerors, invincible and great warriors who made the world a better place. Why? Why?
      All these titles get attached I'd their sarcophagus wipe out fails like Nefertiti? Or simply stated as ugly fat women if they were beautiful then "sluts" - why?
      Men were always afraid of women? Females bosses are always ugly, fat, sex starved, sadist bitches - right ? with no exceptions ?

      On second note, no I won't prefer Sarah Palin as our president - never ever...

  6. Ok, this is like reading review about sex and city movie from someone - some man from middleeast. Lesbian talking about whatever inches . :)
    Should I call you Nostradamus because I see your future already in kinda present.
    Can you ever convince a woman to increased inch dick? - maybe two more ears or elf ears to listen better - that would attract.
    Oh..maybe these "new BMWs " aren't trying to attract women.

    1. Yeah, I am just about the least qualified person in the world to be writing a piece like this. But once I get an idea in my mind, I have to keep going with it...

      My only qualification in this regard is being online for a number of years and seeing the claims that anonymous guys make trying to strike up a conversation with me.

      I'm not sure who they think that's working on. As you say, maybe it's not attracting women that's the point... at least not as much as just trying to follow the "Bigger is Better" mentality to its bizarre conclusion.

    2. Moral of the story. - Man is not a gentleman if he can't stand up for a woman no matter how tall he is, his little friend isn't gentleman if "it" can't stand up - it doesn't matter how tall or long it is.


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