There are some bad people in the world, that is for sure. Rotten cheneyficent bastards like Shu Zheng, like Nathalie Paravicini and like Rae Moses.
And absolutely, these are people we would all like to see set on fire. I am no different. Like in some kind of holy rite, we’d douse ‘em with gasoline, strike a match and dance naked around the flames celebrating the advent of the new golden age we’ve ushered in where the sky is always blue and these people are not under it.
But we cannot set them on fire, we are told, because setting people on fire is wrong and anyway, it violates fire ordinances in most major metropolitan areas. It would make us as bad as the people we’re speaking of (although, between you and me, it would result in a significant net gain for mankind).
So what do we do?
Karma’s unreliable, the judicial system’s a sham, and God’s too busy handing out leukemia to kids to even notice. Never forget: Stalin died in his sleep at age 75 in the comfort of his own bed.
There’s always NOTHING, of course. We can agree to do that. Nothing.
Move on and forgive and forget. Water under the bridge. Living well’s the best revenge and someday they will see the error of their ways.
But what if there were a third path? A Middle Way between doing murder and doing nothing?
This weekend, FASCIST DYKE MOTORS is proud to present its 204th blog episode, “Charles Bronson,” co-starring the delicious talents of Mary Boushka.
It is going to be more fun than dancing naked ‘round the embers of your enemies!
"...celebrating the advent of the new golden age we’ve ushered in where the sky is always blue and these people are not under it."ReplyDelete
I do believe I swooned at the subtle magnificence of this line.
Thank you, Alex!Delete
I made a guy swoon today! I am marking it down on my calendar. I know you said it was about my words, but I'm going to pretend it was about these sexy pigtails I've got going on.
Well you know what they say, Katy. The way to a man's heart is through the written word, pigtails, and vengeance.Delete
Until I hit 40. Pigtails on someone over 40 are creepy.Delete
Words and vengeance work for anyone, though.
Did you or did you not know that as a clinically diagnosed schizophrenic you were clinically predisposed to make up "false beliefs" about me??!ReplyDelete
What did I do to you today or in recent days that justifies your publishing my name on the internet?!!!!
I remembered and realized another piece of TRUTH about you, so this is how you punish me?!!!!
You don't have a shred of conscience, do you, Jessica?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You take my name off of your blog right now!!!
Your name is on my blog?Delete
Good Lord, is this Josef Stalin?!
It seems ... a little ... "clinical" itself? N'est ce pas?Delete
If you only knew, bj... If you only knew...Delete
Is this a prequel? A teaser of a blog post yet to come?ReplyDelete
Hold on, I just read the Anonymous comment above. That counts as five blog posts.
Now, if you'll excuse m
I like to think of this post as an ad for my next post.Delete
Maybe the next post will reveal who Jessica is!
Dammit, I hit the Enter button on accident. Now, instead of intimating I was going to tamp out the burning embers of my enemies, this mistake means I must self-immolate.ReplyDelete
I've always believed you were your own worst enemy, Pickleope.Delete
"Stalin died in his sleep at age 75 in the comfort of his own bed."ReplyDelete
But he had one heck of a nightmare...
There may be some justice in this world after all.Delete
My nomination for 2015's Word of the Year is "cheneyficent."ReplyDelete
It's quite the legacy.Delete
I can only hope that someone makes an adjective out of my name someday. I wonder what it will mean. It will probably just be a synonym for "clumsy."
Of course we would all like the background story on the (undoubtedly) dastardly assholes you named early on in your post (with the exception of Stalin... I'm familiar with Joe, one of our stalwart allies in the 2nd big one). But I'm sure there are legal ramifications to pointing out the particulars. We'll just use our imaginations.ReplyDelete
(short daydream break)
OMG! Why haven't you hacked those people into easily disposable bits by now!!!
Buy yourself a small pottery kiln, learn to make some cracked bowls and shit you can use to justify the purchase, and then set about making coffee cans full of ashes ("Donny was a good man...") to scatter about in the deep, dark woods.
Or just live well and let that be punishment enough. Karma sucks. I've had a hit list for the Hooey Gods for years, and they've not found and punished even ONE of those people yet.
Haha. Actually, one of the three people I mentioned has already threatened to sue me this morning for saying I don't like him. I won't say which one did it, but it wasn't Rae Moses.Delete
So if anyone was thinking about hurting any of these people "for me," I want to make it clear that is NOT what this blog post was about. This is a comedy blog, after all!
Also, if you have ever considered wagering on the outcome of my blog, I want to discourage that, too.
"There’s always NOTHING, of course. We can agree to do that. Nothing."ReplyDelete
That's the problem. Look where doing nothing has gotten us? It got us Obama.
I have sort of assumed SOMEBODY has a plan about him. Right? Someone is just biding their time and is going to eventually address the problem?Delete
So I had a couple of government agents (FBI?) show up at the office yesterday afternoon, saying they needed to ask me a few questions. The tall one said they'd seen some stuff on my websites that they considered "skirting the fringe" of Title 18, Section 871 of the United States Code - making threats against the President - a class E felony (I didn't even know felonies went past D). Naturally, I nearly crapped my pants.Delete
A friends funny blog - http://www.scootervanneuter.com/2015/03/title-18-section-871.html
I'll have a look at that, GOODSTUFF.Delete
And if I hear a crash and see a black SUV has taken out a tree in my front yard, I'll know that Secret Service is here.
This is good, especially someone threatening to sue. I wish someone would threaten us with a lawsuit. >:-(ReplyDelete
But you know what you need? You need a 30 second Youtube trailer, that you tweet with your Twitter account, that leads to this post. That way you can have a teaser for the trailer for the teaser of your upcoming post.
It works for Hollywood, so why not for blogs?
I also considered only typing one line of the blog per screen and then having a big arrow towards the right that links to the next line of the blog.Delete
I think I could broken this into about 10 posts, just to up my page views.
Slideshows are all the rage now. Just look at any mindless buzzfeed article. The numbers don't lie; the people don't want well written words, they want slideshows, they want inane gifs that only serve to add movement and bright color, and they want clickbait titles.Delete
"What This Woman Did With Mary Boushka Will Make You Stand Up And Cheer."
This gif starts autoplaying
Click the slideshow to begin!
I wonder how many slideshows garner demand letters, public accusations of mental illness, and utter meltdowns by angry readers.Delete
Those web sites have the numbers but my web site has the drama.
And that's as good as big bucks online advertising and fame and success and women any day, right? Right?
You have the right to remain silent...ReplyDelete
Anything you blog can, and will, be used against you in court of law!
Honestly the idea of my children seeing my blog someday worries me a lot more than hearing them read out in a court.Delete
So why do I secretly suspect BOTH will end up happening someday?
I'm certain the three who have offended you deserve your ire and whatever savage punishment you deem fit.Then i recall that you actually cared for all the spiders, how it turned out for them ... and i pity the doomed.ReplyDelete
I am very impressed with the fabrication using the root word "Cheney" - meaning "to slither" - and coupling it with bastard makes it sound Tarantinoesque. "Cheneyficent Bastards" ....now, that's the high mark of a new LOW! ...... but the best line is "where the sky is always blue and these people are not under it." dreamy thoughts, those. i dream of applying that principle to a few folks around here under my blue skies, sometimes. I understand Indiana just passed legislation that should empty out what few folks and little bit of commerce is a'crowdin 'em under THEIR blue skies. and that right soon.
there's a next chapter to this, right? or should I be printing all these posts to sort in order later ... and before the book is published?
Hi, bj! Normally, I plan and wordsmith evertything for my posts, and... nothing. This time, I sat down and just started typing and people like the way I said things.Delete
The good news is that UI've already written the next couple of posts. They're just waiting for me to post them...
hmmm .... perhaps i should try the planning and wordsmithing thing. at least once. bizarro me. hmm ..Delete
I don't recommend it, actually. This blogging thing can zap all of your time away if you let it.Delete
I can hardly wait for this one............ : )ReplyDelete
SPOILER: It probably won't live up to the hype. I had a lot more fun writing this one than the one I was promoting with it...Delete
I read your blog within minutes of its being posted, on my cell phone, as usual. BUT I can no longer, since the last ten days or so, comment on anything on Blogspot with my cell phone. I don't know why. The Comment As thingy below the comment box stays stubbornly blank. So I'm afraid that I will only be commenting on your posts when I can log on from my computer, perhaps days later. Sorry about that.ReplyDelete
Hi, Bill. I have been having a hell of a time commenting on anyon'e page with my iPad.Delete
It's frustrating because there are times when I say to myself,"I just spent 20 minutes reading this person's blog and I'm not even going to even manage to say, "I was here!"?
Give google a few weeks on the comment issue, though, Bill. I'm sure they will figure out a way to make it worse...