Sunday, March 29, 2015

Charles Bronson

“Ananders.”

It sounded as though a person was saying or an old hinge was squeaking, “Ananders.”  But when I looked out across the snow and around the back yard, I could not see a person or a hinge or anything at all that might have been making such a sound. Just snow.

I went back to committing my felony.

“Ananders.”

I set down the rusty green toolbox. “Okay, Harry,” I said. “Am I hearing things? I keep hearing like a voice from somewhere, or…”

Harry did not turn around. He was having a lot of trouble picking the back door lock of my brother’s house, which used to be my grandmother’s house, which used to be my great grandmother’s house, which used to be my great-great grandfather’s house.

And without turning away from his important work, Harry said, “Next door. There’s an old tree root wearing a doily trying to get your attention.”

I looked around again and I scanned the yard again and sure enough, just on the other side of the peony bushes and the wire storm fence stood a tree root wrapped in a doily. At its feet a Pomeranian, mostly covered in snow, smiled and panted and smiled and panted.

“You are an Anders,” the tree root said and it sounded as though it were passing judgment.

“I don’t know what that means,” I said. I was trying to play it off.

Then the tree root shook. It said, “Don’t give me that. The bulging Chihuahua eyes? The square jaw? The overbite? The claw hands? I’ve seen generations of you people. I know an Anders when I see one.”

Claw hands? Had I gotten the claw hands after all? But I thought that always skipped a generation!

I tilted my head to the left to consider the root. I tilted my head to the right to consider the root. And I said, “Mrs. Boushka? Are you Mrs. Boushka?”

Mrs. Boushka, you see, was a fixture in old Anders family stories. My great grandmother referred to her as “The old woman who lived next door.” But by then, the Mrs. Boushka of old Anders family stories would have been about twenty years past her expiration date, while this tree root here looked…

Oh.

Mrs. Boushka.

“Open the shutters and the light will come in on its own,” the Mrs. Boushka formerly known as tree root said.


Her lips were moving. Silently. Like she was calculating something. She said, “You must be one of the twins Gerry had down in Houston.”

Some more calculating and then, “Katherine.”

Busted! Harry threw down his lock pick and turned around. The Pomeranian smiled and panted and smiled and panted. The four of us faced off.

“Why are you trying to break into that poor man’s house?” Mrs. Boushka said.

I said, “He’s um… He’s the other one of the twins Gerry had down in Houston.”

“Hmmm…” Mrs. Boushka said. She looked surprised. Antony lacked those distinguishing claw hands, I suppose.

“He abandoned his pregnant wife and kids after his wife had a stroke,” I said. “We came here to exact our revenge.”

That sounded a lot harsher than I intended it to.

The snow had picked back up again and Mrs. Boushka said, “What are you planning to do to him?”

Harry and I shifted on our feet uncomfortably. I said, “Steal his dog, maybe? We… we haven’t really worked it out yet.”

Mrs. Boushka began emitting a clucking sound. Cluck cluck cluck. Quietly at first, and then louder. And then louder still. Cluck cluck cluck. Cluck Cluck cluck.

It gradually dawned on me that this was laughter. “You came a thousand miles to steal a dog?” Mrs Boushka clucked and she clucked and by then, I wanted to punch her happy little dog in its happy little throat.

She tapped a rhizome on the top of the fence and said, “Hop on over, Charles Bronson.” She said, “I will make some tea and we will come up with a better plan.”

And so I hopped on over the fence and Harry hopped on over the fence and the four of us trudged through the snow and up to a house that looked as though it were caught in a time loop in 1971. We were going to come up with a better plan.

But still, I thought, “Charles Bronson?”

Charles Bronson? Didn’t this woman know I was an Anders?

Smile and pant and smile and pant and…

32 comments:

  1. If you've got the claw hands, Mrs Boushka should have nicknamed you Wolverine. Although that might be too recent a movie reference for her to know. I doubt if she was much of a comic book reader back in the day, although you never know. By the way, her first name isn't Ba, is it?

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    1. Every time I say Mrs. Boushka's name, I want to break out into Kate Bush's song, "Babooshka."

      I don't, though.

      Usually.

      It's always fun to try and figure out why I'm singing the song I'm singing at any given moment...

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    2. I prefer "The Sensual World"... (love that cut!)

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    3. The song is the "Mmmm... Yes" song that start off that album, right?

      She's got those Bulgarian back-up singers on a couple songs on the album that just blow me away. They sing on "Rocket's Tail" just before David Gilmour kicks in and one other song...

      I never think of "Sensual World." I have "Hounds of Love" in the van right now, but "Sensual World" always slips my mind.

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    4. I'm hearing orgasms when she does the MMMMMM-yes... so maybe that's why it stands out when I hear her name?

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    5. That would have been the third thing I ever heard her sing, I think.

      The first two being her part in "Don't Give Up" with Peter Gabriel and the second being her (fantastic) part in Peter Gabriel's "No Self Control."

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  2. The bulging Chihuahua eyes? The square jaw? The overbite?

    I feel bad, because I freakin' laughed out loud when I read that.

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    1. Everyone should be subjected to Mrs. Boushka's aesthetic assessment at least opnce in their life, I guess...

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  3. "Because revenge is a very known feeling in American culture, there's a certain element of an eye for an eye. There's the saying, 'Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.' When you wish for revenge, and you think you've gotten it, what happens then? Revenge is just a really good drive for drama and good action" - Some American Dude

    “There is not much mental distance between a feeling of having been screwed and the ethic of total retaliation, or at least the kind of random revenge that comes with outraging the public decency.” - Hunter S. Thompson

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    1. Initially, I was going to go get a sword, dress in yellow leather, and drive up to Omaha in a truck called the "Pussy Wagon," but then I found out it'd already been done.

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  4. I loved the trippy video of you throwing fireballs at your webcam .... especially the parts when the side of your neck goes all Northern Lights spacey and shit. sick! yo
    in that video, I can clearly see the claw, the chi wah wah overbite, and the square brow, there. between being blinded, I mean

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    1. You just found a way for the pictures and slip to be relevant to the blog post... That's great, actually, because had I been asked, I wouldn't have had an answer.

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    1. Artist's hands that can be used to pry open beer bottles! Which is appropriate if you know anything about artists...

      Thank you for putting a positive spin on everything, as usual, Rupert!

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  6. The old lady is clearly deluded. Charles Bronson broke OUT of places, not into. At least that's my understanding from The Great Escape. I love that she wanted to give you a better plan. Because, she's right. Steal a dog? With those lobster hands? That's not going to work.

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    1. I believe Mrs. Boushka might be thinking of the "Death Wish" films, hich were vigilante revenge flicks.

      Or it might be my mustache. Bronson had a mustache sometimes, didn't he? I mean, it wasn't as good as mine, but I can see how someone could be reminded...

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  7. Nice to see new pics of you.

    You know what? When I read this article, moments after you put it up, sometime around midnight last night (my time), I had lots to say but couldn't because I was on my Android and bloody Google has stopped letting me post comments on Blogger from my Android. Now I don't even remember what it was that I wanted to say.

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    1. I am going to pretend your aborted comment was going to be about my clever use of the word "rhizome." This will, in turn, encourage me to use it again in future blog posts.

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  8. The photos have so much lense flare that JJ Abrams would be jealous!
    I had an Ex who loved to play "Babooshka"...the song not the actual testing of loyalty, then again she is my Ex...
    Bronson did have a film called Honor Among Thieves...

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    1. My lens flare is an audition! As a big fan of black metal, I have placed Abrams on my good list at the moment. I think that the ad for the new Star Wars - which includes narration in what sounds like heavy vocals as well as a guy in a black hood standing in a snow-covered forest holding a fiery upside down cross - might be the most kult moment in sci fi history.

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  9. Katy. Looks to me like you met the Family Tree. I always wondered why we only speak of the Family tree's branches and limbs and not its roots. Seems yours has good roots. And let me know if you need any ideas on what to do once inside the Anders family home.

    Fuck Walmart!

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    1. Hi, Mooner!

      The ancestors follow us around at all times. You can make them do little tasks for you, like finding the TV remote and checking our ears for unsightly hairs.

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  10. My chihuahua has an overbite and it's pretty damn cute. It's also 4 lbs, and when things are smaller they tend to be cute anyway. Regardless, I feel like your family could have worse features. Like, I'd rather have claw hands than be a woman and have man hands. I just wouldn't want to be under that much constant pressure to open tightly-closed pickle jars.

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    1. I'm doing the best I can with the claw I was dealt.

      Better a chihuahua than a pit bull, because that guy's rapping is terrible.

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  11. I sent you an email, my last email to you, last night about one last place you need to remove my name, which was Katy's Google+ page, that you had promised but probably overlooked. Please do so ASAP.

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    1. The layers of questions I have about this comment are almost staggering.

      But I hope you have a great day, little Anon.

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  12. For some one stuck in the '70 s Bronson is the first person you think of .
    His character however didn't go after the guys that attacked his wife he just beat on anyone . Much simpler plan and he didn't have to go a thousand miles to do it .

    Did the old girl suggest a couple rolls of quarters in a sock .

    Glenn

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    1. Sort of like Batman but without the cool gadgets.

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  13. The vid was a nice touch. Very nice, actually. You should do more of that. Or not. It's your place, and maybe you don't want to be a video-blogger (is there such an animal? A vlogger?)

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    1. Thanks. Hmm...

      Not only is there such a thing as a vlogger, they can get several times the page views of us 20th century-type communicators.

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  14. Well, we're obviously not in this for the affirmation...

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    1. I spend a LOT of time on this stuff, man. If there was a way to stop - or get my message across more effectively - I might do it.

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