Sunday, September 27, 2015

I Believe in Everything; Nothing is Sacred

Strangers send me messages. It happens all the time.

Every morning, I wake. I stretch. Then I just lie there in the dark to see how long I can lie there. In the dark. Lie there NOT checking my messages.

It’s all about discipline.

Sometimes I go a whole minute. Sometimes two. I hold out for as long as I can and when I finally give in, there they are. Sometime in the night, strangers have sent me messages. Again.

The people I know hardly ever bother with me, but these strangers? They really seem to care.

Some are sending me grammar corrections for the blog. Some just want to share the music they’re listening to. Recipes. Rumors. Photographs to turn me straight. I get damned to hell at least one time every week.

There’s an Elvis impersonator in Ohio who links me to clips of all his shows and a girl in Tallahassee needs help coming out to her mom. This one guy sends me pages and pages of angry emails. Every day. Without fail. He calls me a slut and tells me I am going to pay for what I’ve done.

Keep in mind these are strangers. 

Last week, I woke to find a message even stranger than I’m used to. I deleted it eventually. I remember what it said.

It said:
Hi, Katy. My name is Stacy. I live in Houston, too.

I read your blog and I saw how you talk about scrying and sleep paralysis and blind spots, so I thought you might be interested in this.

I think I’ve started astral projecting accidentally and I want to see if it’s real. I’m going to test it to see if it’s really happening and I wondered if you wanted to help.

I think I even astral projected to your house once but I must have gone to the past because you said you don’t have spiders anymore and I saw 5 big tarantulas climbing up your wall.

So no pressure but think about it. Thanks!

Love, Stacy
Now, that’s a strange message to get in from a stranger but here’s the thing about the thing that Stacy thought she saw. 

That’s my wall right now. With five spiders.

They’re not live spiders but still they’re five spiders and that’s my wall.

So I read Stacy’s email and then I looked at my wall. Then I read Stacy’s email again. I paced. I threw around a tennis ball and wiki’d “astral projection.” Twice.

Then I called up my friend, Aesop, and I said, “We’re going to need a lot of coffee and we’re going to need two laptops with a c-drive folder of colors and a c-drive folder of words.”

Aesop said, “Alright, cool. What for what for?”

I said, “Tonight, we’re gonna bust the bonds of reality with a stranger.”

Aesop said, “Just tell me where and when.”

[To be continued. Maybe.]

38 comments:

  1. It's easier for you because you like spiders, and simpler too.
    So many tormented souls and apperently not near enough spiders.
    There really should be more entomologists and fewer nut jobs.
    The world would be a better place.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There'd also be fewer flies.

      Everybody knows flies love nutjobs.

      I like spiders because they are just as warm and emotional as I am. We have similar dispositions.

      Delete
    2. You've always been very kind to me going back to The Island days. I'm not so sure about your spider emotional similarities. That being said, I would be the last person on earth to make a choice to ever cross you;-)

      Delete
    3. Thank you, Lloyd. I assure you I am much creepier in person.

      Delete
  2. Okay, I wanted to scream and run away, then I realized I am one of those strangers, minus the astral projection. Maybe I should stop being one of those internet weirdos who send you unsolicited messages via the comment feature?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, no. I love the weirdos.

      And besides, most people censor themselves a little for comments because they know other people might be reading what they write. Emails are where things get really weird.

      "Weird" even by I'm-a-pickle-with-antlers standards.

      Delete
  3. As a stranger I've been lax and haven't sent a message lately . Sorry about .

    Glenn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Glenn.

      Be careful - I always assume the people who DO send me messages are the normal ones. It's all the lurkers that could theoretically be out there who give me the creeps.

      Delete
  4. All this wasted time! I could have been forwarding you my weirdo emails.
    Does it still count if half of them are from your spouse?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I could have had an entire web page dedicated to weird hate emails from my ex... from before she was an ex.

      In her defense, most of the hate mail was reasonable.

      Delete
  5. Ahh, all seems to be right with the world. There are a lot of things that I can't explain. I hope you let us know how this turns out.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I had intended to write the second half (to be called "I Believe in Nothing; Everything is Sacred" to finish out the Tom Robbins quote), but we'll have to see how I'm feeling next time I write.

      I'm notoriously bad about coming back to two-part stories.

      Delete
  6. Astral projection? Pffft. She's probably just a garden-variety stalker who's been watching you while you sleep. Nothing to worry about there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wonder if she's watching me while I'm watching the girl in apartment #5.

      Delete
  7. “Tonight, we’re gonna bust the bonds of reality with a stranger.” - Katy
    for you - http://imgur.com/gallery/tcfrYLC

    "Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities, truth isn't." - Mark Twain

    was going to post some creepy stuff but it was just too weird

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a great Mark Twain quote.

      And it's true, too, which is always a plus.

      Delete
  8. Nothing IS sacred, apparently...

    https://www.google.com/search?q=is+nothing+sacred&rlz=1C1FLDB_enUS568US568&espv=2&biw=1920&bih=895&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0CAYQ_AUoAWoVChMIpv61vduZyAIVRjc-Ch3G7wIC#imgrc=pB3HOB3Wv-DAEM%3A

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! That picture shall be used somewhere in the future.

      The full Tom Robbins quote is:

      "I believe in nothing; everything is sacred.
      I believe in everything; nothing is sacred.
      Ha ha ho ho hee hee."

      Without the last bit, it's just pretentious.

      Delete
    2. Well, yeah... the last bit is critical to the argument. Back to your post for a moment? Having strangers accessing your home without your knowledge or permission is more than a little bit creepy. Unless it's the NSA, of course. It's their job (and by god DUTY!) to see what we're up to behind closed doors. This other chick? Not so much. You should write back and tell her you've removed a certain number of the spiders and ask her to come back for a recount. If she gets it right, I'd move.

      Delete
    3. Hey, maybe Stacy is NSA.

      Hell, NSA could even be conducting astral projection experiments.

      Delete
  9. People correct YOUR grammar? I mean, my god, have they even seen the rest of the Internet?

    Reader e-mails fascinate me. Without a doubt, the largest amount of e-mails we get related to the blog are from angry life coaches who just hate our post poking fun at life coaches. Apparently they have to justify their own existence to us. It makes for some fun exchanges. No one's repeatedly e-mailed us to call us sluts, but knowing the Internet, I wouldn't rule it out.

    I really want to know how this ends. Can you put us in contact with Stacy so we can have her astral project the inspiration to write part two upon you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You never got complaints from Adam Sandler fans after your interview?

      I wish you had. The idea of there being rabid, outraged Adam Sandler fans out there, defending his honor, sort of keeps me going at times.

      Delete
  10. I could be a stalker to keep your life even more interesting. I'll try to figure out what creeps you out the best and try and get some jollies from that. It sounds like a lot of work and research, though, so I 'm not sure I 'm up to it. Maybe I'll just keep following along and keep my sanity issues to myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Greek food creeps me out a lot. I'm not sure why.

      Delete
  11. You and your "to be continueds". If I ever die I'm going to come and haunt you and see if you blog about it. if you do and you do a "continued" I'm going to make your life a misery until you complete it >:-|

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The worst thing about my two-parters is that I've generally moved on to something else by the next week. But I'm going to do a part 2 now just to spite you.

      Delete
  12. You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you / You're so vain, I'll bet you think this blog is about you / Don't you? don't you?…

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, I didn't tell anyone YOU were the Elvis impersonator from Ohio.

      Delete
  13. Replies
    1. It's like we're getting the band back together, huh?

      All we need now is that truck guy and we're set.

      Delete
    2. Yep. I see Ling already made it reunion

      Delete
    3. Wouldn't be a blog without him.

      My Frankenstein's monster.

      Delete
  14. Why is your background completely black? Is it for our requiem?

    Here are my wishes:

    Please remove your email filter in Gmail against me, so that you can get my future emails, now that I will likely NOT able to email you in the future, because this note here should have been sent via an email to you, so that this won't get accidentally published by your swinging moods and cycles.

    Please remove my first and last names from all your postings here and in Disqus and Google+.

    Now that you know I did not impersonate you in Disqus on Sept 18, I will delete this corresponding comment from all three occurrences, well, unless you don't want me to, because subconsciously you wanted to give me a chance to fight back your demons.

    That's it. Just remove my name from all your online activities, so that they are not discoverable, thus no chance of you getting subpoenaed. Okay? This is for your benefit. Like everything else I have done and suffered through.

    Bye now, as I am finally being punished for my good deeds in this life. It is, at the end, all my fault it seems. I am facing it like I always knew I would. Weeks or months from now you may finally get your wish, and thus you would be able to love me back; but sadly I will have been dead when you finally changed and fixed your head, either physically or literally speaking, as the second man who loved you with all his life. A fitting tragic end to our story, to your fate. As if we were powerless to overcome it. Except we already did, when you said you loved me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for conveying your "wishes," and in reponse, I present mine:

      Stop sending me hundreds of emails, comments, and other emssages on a daily basis, and you won't have to worry about me posting something you don't like or responding to you by name.

      (Incidentally, this comment marks the first time someone has juxtaposed a threat of legal action against me with a suicide threat.)

      Delete
  15. Many of my favorite experiences have involved busting the bonds of reality with strangers. I went to the 1999 Dynamo Open-Air festival (Metal! 80 bands. 100,000 people. Legal hash!) and saw one of my favorite Swedish Death Metal bands, Therion. I bought a Therion t-shirt. Not wanting the hassle of being stuck in the crowd leaving the day the festival ended, I decided to go back to Amsterdam early. I missed a couple of bands I'd like to have seen BUT ... standing on a corner in the Centrum of Amsterdam I hear, "Hey mate!" I look over and there is a black Mercedes with two women in the front. The passenger rolled down the window and said, "You like Therion?" See, I was wearing a Therion t-shirt. I said, "Yeah, saw 'em last night at Dynamo." She said, "You know, they're playing in Germany tonight. Fancy goin'?" I said, "Hell yeah!" She said, "Hop in mate." I proceeded to rocket across the Netherlands with two insane, Australian, female, metal heads ... who had a bag of ecstasy in the glove compartment. I ended up partying with them all night, watching Therion, drinking and smoking in a nice hotel afterwards. Then they drove me back to Schipol Airport the next day, getting me there just in time for my flight back to the states. I've never heard from either of the women since. But I definitely busted the bonds of reality with strangers that strange two-day experience!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow! You know, as you might have noticed from a lot of my posts, I'm not alwayas sure where I am or what has been going on around me. If that story had happened to ME, I would forever be wondering whether it actually happened.

      You know, like the It's like at the end of any good kids fantasy movie, where the kid wakes up back home in their bed and wonders whether it was all a dream.

      My life is like that all the time. Only my life doesn't usually have the part involving the jetsetting babes in a Mercedes.

      Delete

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