I jot down ideas on little scraps of paper. On envelopes. Sales receipts. Business cards. The backs of checkbooks and in an endless trail of notebooks. Folders and coupons and wine bottle labels, covered! I fill flash drives and I email myself. Leave voicemails I never listen to.
The blog ideas pile up and up.
Out at Dana’s storage space, cleaning out my stuff, I see that most of what I own is my idea pads. There are stories and there are quotes and there are opening lines for things I never got around to writing.
Until now, I mean. Until this week. This is the week I’m finally going to get around to writing them.
It will go like this: For the next month, everything I post here will come from a single sheet of paper I covered in ideas back seven years ago.
I’ve got them all typed out below and I’ll change them into red after I use them. See?
-Aquatic Ape Theory
-Michael Persinger’s helmet
-“If atheism is a religion, then not collecting stamps is a hobby.” – Lionel
-“I feel it is only fair to inform you that for the last several months, the role of me has been played by a blow-up doll.”
-Lobbying for puppy-killing
-8-track mind in an mp3 world
-My left nut
-How many elves in an elf pie?
-GET ONLY MORE DARING!!
-“Silhouettes of hanged corpses comprise the perimeter of his now miniscule empire.” – William Vollmann
-She was the kind of person who goes to the beach and sits with her feet pointing AWAY from the water.
-Do tadpoles believe in the tail fairy?
-Handy tips for maintenance and upkeep of your mirror man.
-A god as a houseguest (Old Testament type with a bad temper)
-Oh, the babies you’ll not be having!
-If this Administration doesn’t consider you to be the enemy, you’re just not trying.
-“Electric clitoris” (Vollmann term)
-The dangers of meeting your heroes – The Ballad of Ray Hill
-Censoring dreams/nightmares in the name of national security
-“Maybe you’re done being sad.”
-White History Month
-And now I’d like to talk about the sky islands of southern Arizona. (spiders, evolution in action)
-“Fabula” “Chimera” Dreams, reverie, memory
-Write what you want to read.
-“Your particular experience is neither inevitable nor dominant in the world.” – Deborah Eisenberg
-Phone lines installed in Heaven. My long-dead grandma calling me four times a day.
-Squirrel in a wheelchair
-A: “You look how I feel.”
B: “You must feel pretty good then, because I know I look better than you.”
-“Molloy”-like bit with me doing an unnamed drug and then trying to walk to Stop ‘n Go for a Coke.
-“Breaking News” interruptions in dreams
-“I’m lost, no matter.” – Beckett
-I almost killed an old man with caffeine.
-“She is made of several babies.” – Smog
-The Factory: A Fable – Hobble and Wobble, intermittent warehouse foremen. Both incompetent, take turns getting fired and rehired.
A: “Why do you have a hammer in your hand?”
B: “I am protecting these drinking glasses from the evildoers!”
-Sacrificing the Virgin
-Finding a new Dalai Lama. “Where ya been Daddy-O? I’ve been looking everywhere for this comb!”
-Atheism. Because having to live with myself for all eternity is NOT a comfort.
-I could tell you a story, kid. A story about the girls I’ve known. Or loved. Or who have known or loved me. More than a list, really. A parade, really, and everybody loves a parade.
-Gives answers like a verbal ransom letter.
-Nose – death – egg
-Have to ask the ticket taker what my name is
-Fizostigmin – Alzheimer’s drug that improves memory
-Arrested for pulling a gun on a lady in a giraffe suit
-Scrotal purse that gets smaller in the cold
-“He was the son of one of the least important of his father’s wives” (re: Osama bin Laden)
-“I open up my head and feed bread crumbs to my brain”
-Too late I remembered that gorgeous people are so rarely interesting.
-“I will tell you things at random.”
There. That ought to get us started. (Feel free to vote for your favorite.)