Sunday, August 25, 2013

An Open Letter to Actor James Woods

Dear Mister Woods:

I am a fan. Videodrome is one of my all-time favorite films. I also think you were just great in Contact and in that other movie. You know, the one where you played the jewel thief?

That was great stuff. Whenever you roll your eyes and act annoyed, man, no one can hold a candle to you.  The screen belongs to you. It is my belief that at the end of the day, you will go down as one of the greats, like Roy Scheider or like Peter Weller, one of whom actually might have been the actor who starred in the jewel thief flick I mentioned, now that I think about it.

Now, I know you are a big-time celebrity. I know you must get a ton of fan mail. I know that a lot of these fans probably believe that, because they relate with the characters you play, they somehow understand you.

I do not want to be one those fans, Mister Woods.

I do not want to be presumptuous about how you think or about what matters to you.

Still, I do hope it will not be overly presumptuous of me if I presume that you noticed a certain news story about something that happened just last week.

Three kids in Oklahoma were arrested for murdering a high school athlete from Australia. Did you see that story? It was horrible and it was all over the news, but then, you might be shooting a movie on location somewhere that does not get a lot of news.

James Edwards
Mister Woods, I thought of you when I saw the story about the three kids they arrested. There was Michael Jones, who is 17. There was Chauncey Luna, who is only 16. They also arrested a 15-year old kid named James Edwards.

When I saw the thing about James Edwards, I said this to myself: “Oh no. This is a problem that my hero, Mister James Woods, is not going to be able to ignore anymore!”

I really said that, Mister Woods! Out loud, too, even though there was no one around to hear it. You will have to take my word for it.

I know that story could not have been easy for you to see. I know it had to be made so much worse by the fact that it has not even been two full weeks since James “Whitey” Bulger’s convictions for racketeering and for conspiracy to commit murder.

Then, last week, James Wilder III was arrested in St. Louis on six counts of aggravated sodomy.

On August 14, a guy named James Meyer was arrested for illegally selling pictures by artist Jasper Johns.

On August 11, James Mouton was arrested in Scot, Louisiana after he (allegedly!) rode a horse into a bar, lassoed a man, and then tied him up out in the parking lot.

In June, ex-Miami Dolphins star James McKnight was arrested in Miami for domestic violence. That same month, former world title boxing contender James Kirkland was arrested in Austin for “causing bodily harm to a family member.”

I could go on and on and on, listing more bad acts by bad people all day and all night and probably on into tomorrow, too. A recent online search I did of Harris County revealed that there are HUNDREDS of men named James who are registered sex offenders in my city alone.***

James Earl Ray, convicted
of killing Martin Luther King
I hate to have to be the one to throw all of this bad news at you all at once, Mister Woods.

I know you had nothing to do with what James Edwards did to that Australian athlete. I know you do not support what James “Whitey” Bulger did to all of those people he hurt. I know you are not targeting my children to try and rape them.

But I also know that if it had been someone named Katy who did those awful things, I would want to disassociate myself from the crimes. More than anything, I would want to make sure that my fans and everyone else knew I condemned the entire James-related crime spree that is spreading across America.

I feel that I know you, Mister Woods, and I know that you would not want people to interpret your continued and confounding silence on this matter as approval. As support. As acquiescence, even!

That is why I am calling on you to clear up any misunderstanding once and for all. I am calling on you to publicly and unequivocally and unambiguously condemn all of this James-related crime. Use your celebrity bully pulpit to speak out against these criminal Jameses.

Make sure the world knows not all Jameses are like those Jameses. Make them see that you are one of the good ones.

James Warren "Jim" Jones, founder of a suicide cult
Maybe, by your positive example, you will even be able to inspire some other young James out there who might be considering a life of rape or domestic violence or… riding into a bar and lassoing a man.

It has been a very long time since a James has contributed anything positive to society… other than your work as Security Guard #2 in that 2009 episode of “iCarly,”  I mean.

As of this moment and this writing, it has now been five full days since James Edwards was charged with the murder of Christopher Lane. I pray that you make your position clear before we reach Day Six.

Thank you for your attention to this matter and thank you for all of the years of fantastic movies and television you have given us all.

I hate to cut this letter so short, but I still have to write to James Earl Jones and that Van Der Beek guy.

Sincerely Yours,


***Below is just a sampling of the many registered sex offenders named James in Harris County, Texas, according to There were hundreds more. Mister Woods, please remember that I am trying hard not to connect you with any of these horrible crimes.

James Douglas, aggravated assault with intent to rape, 10/23/2003.
James Eric Brown, sex offense other, 03/05/2007.
James Jackson, indecency with a child, 02/26/1999.
James Wattley, indecency with a child, 12/13/1999.
James Walker, attempt to commit indecency with a child sexual contact, 12/11/2007.
James Elerson, sexual assault child, 07/01/2007.
James Bizor, indecency with a child by exposure, 05/03/2001.
James Williams, sexual assault, 05/21/1986.
James Williams, indecency with a child by exposure, 11/13/1992.
James Gonzalez, aggravated kidnapping, 11/17/1992.
James Shields, sexual assault child, 02/27/2002.
James Thompson, sexual assault child, 03/11/1983.
James Hargrove, indecency with a child sexual contact, 12/21/1987.
James Dillard, sexual assault child, 03/10/2006.
James Carpenter, indecency with a child sexual contact, 09/22/1995.
James Watson, aggravated sexual assault child, 07/26/2000.
James Wiinfree, aggravated sexual assault, 02/22/1994.
James Guthrie, aggravated sexual assault child, 09/10/1992.
James Chaney, sexual assault, 03/24/1994
James Hopper, aggravated sexual assault child, 05/03/2001.
James Trejo, indecency with a child by exposure, 09/09/2008.
James Gonzales, indecency with a child by exposure, 09/09/2008.
James Hunter, aggravated sexual assault, 09/13/1985.
James Alexander Rivera, aggravated sexual assault child, 10/23/2003.
James Alfred Kelly, rape, 09/14/1989.
James Allen Taylor, indecency with a child sexual contact, 06/18/2004.
James Alonzo Nelson, sexual assault, 08/09/2002.
James Andrew Myers, sexual battery, 11/08/1996.


  1. Now I finally believe that you were once a political blogger for hire. Your trolling skillz are maxed out at Dada level.

    1. Thank you?

      I just call it like I see it... Except when I can't make heads nor tails out of something. Then I just blame President Obama or former President Bush.

      It's easy.

  2. Replies
    1. Thanks.
      I had always hoped that I'd never have to write this one.
      I still hold out some hope that by this time tomorrow, I'll be able to say (proudly) that Mister James Woods has condemned the acts of the other Jameses.

      This James-Watch should not have to go on forever.

  3. Isn't there some place called Jamestown in the U.S.? I'm pretty sure there is.

    The poor people in that place must be suffering something awful.

    Time for one of those One Man Who Can Save The Day heroes to go over there. Like Rambo or something.

    Just make sure his name isn't James.

    1. Jamestown was the first permanent settlement in America, I think. I won't hold that against the whole country, though, because I'm not anti-James.

      I just think that this issue needs to be addressed.

      The media is so PC, though, that they won't even acknowledge the country's James problem.

  4. This is unacceptable. James isn't a common name here, so I couldn't have imagined things have been this bad. I hope you make a connection to Mr. Woods. He needs to do his part here.

    Good luck getting into contact with the other James' of power.

    1. James Woods has a presence on Twitter, and I'm trying to get through to him that way.

      I have a lot of hope that he's going to do the right thing.

  5. Crap. My Uncle Jim is a James, but he hates that name. He only wants to go by Jim. Is he safe, or is this just his way of trying to push down his evil, murderous, sodomite tendencies?

    1. I think it shows that he at least has the good judgment to be embarrassed by what other Jameses have done. I don't think they're all bad, but there seems to be this agreed silence surrounding it all.

      If anyone can change that, I know it's James Woods.

  6. Captain James Cook tried to take a Hawaiian leader hostage. There was a scuffle and Cook was stabbed and killed.

    James Bond is a fornicator with a licence to kill

    heading into town - back later

    1. I think you can find bad acts by people named James down through history. But nowhere near like today, where it seems like it's gone off a cliff and no one will even say anything about it.

    2. now I remember

      blame it on James

    3. Dave! It's Dave's fault!

    4. Haha... I can't believe you even remembered the blog. I was actually going to make this one Dave, too, but decided to go with James... mostly because there are apparently more criminals named James.

  7. So people who share a first name are responsible for one another's actions? This is going to be rough news for my daughter, Adolf.
    Also, I call b.s. no one is a "fan" of James Woods. Videodrome doesn't crack anyone's top ten. You're going to try and convince me that he was Oscar calibre in Any Given Sunday or that he was even remotely plausible in Vampires? James Earl Ray should be trying to convince us that he's not responsible for so many hours of horrific pseudo-entertainment.
    Hold on, sorry, little Adolf is crying in the other room because her chocolate milk isn't white enough.

    1. First of all, I will not have anyone on my blog running down James Woods - especially considering he is about to make us all proud by condemning crimes committed by people named James.

      Second, I'm not saying he responsible at all. I'm saying he needs to make it clear he doesn't support those other Jameses' actions.

      And by the way: My kids, Mohandas and Holy Spirit, totally take credit for what other people with their names do. Seems reasonable to me.

  8. You can't just single out James you have lot of Michaels and Roberts out there too where you could stretch this story or analogy and "blame" too. Katy - you have Katy Perry, Middleton and Hepburn and all those "good" ones.

    Why do you think Tom marvolo riddle became "I am Lord Voldemort"? If I am going in history for notoriety I am not going as "Jen" "Laura" "Isabella" or anything I am going down as "lady gaga" kinda killer name or the symbol like Prince once tried.
    We should follow Chinese people and translate our names like how Eric Hu, Michael Lee, Maria Chan names are born.

    BTB do you have statistics on "Dmitry" - Russian name for James? It is only fair to include that too.

    Lol. Only your mind could come up with something like this. Lol.

    1. There just seems to be something going on in the James community that allows this to go on. Maybe it's because people named James know that no one is really going to call them on it.

      I know there are some Michaels who do bad things. That doesn't justify the James stuff.

      of course, the problem is that I don't even know when I'm kidding anymore.

    2. To play James Woods's advocate or devil's advocate
      George - Shouldn't be allowed to carry guns or in non-white community
      Edwin - A total snitch, tattletale shouldn't have any passport
      Donald - Wacky hairdo weirdos.

      If we follow Chinese - and have flexibility to translate our names - proper names - we could translate our name to every place we go and say when I have Russian name - I kick people, when I have American name - I can run fast, when I have Indian name - I stop bathing and find all excuses and escape our responsibilities unless someone refuses to buy :(

    3. If we went with your logic, then everyone would be held responsible for what they themselves do but not for what other people do. Race problems would almost be entirely over.

      Where's the fun in THAT?

  9. Wow.. This world just gets crazier and more horrifying by the day. Wth is going on???

    1. I don't know, but whatever it is, I hope James Woods can stop it!

  10. So, I just decided that when I get pregnant, if it is a boy, he will NOT be named James. Nope.

    1. Look at that: It used top be a perfectly wonderful name, the name of Presidents and great men.
      Now people are too embarrassed to get near it.
      James Woods could change this.
      If he cared...
      I'm starting to believe he doesn't care.

    2. Its a sad state of affairs if James Woods doesn't care...

    3. I am confident that he's going to see this blog post and do the right thing!

  11. I support this post (whatever that means.)

    1. Every day, more and more people are taking a stand, just like you, Alex.

  12. James Woods is a very powerful man and with great power comes great responsibility. I hope he will do the responsible thing.


    1. A few days ago, it would have been so easy for him simply to have renounced the violence. But now, after a week, I'm starting to wonder about him...

  13. Katy. Fuck James Woods. He is a racist and right-wing prick. Should he take a stand on my side of most any fence, I'd be required to rethink my position.

    I do, however, appreciate the quite restrained humor of this bit of your writing. Fuck James Woods and Walmart too!

    1. I had no idea that Mr. Woods was so politically opinionated until AFTER this was written. I have been tweeting at him with a link to this post, hoping that he will address it, but before I looked at his twitter feed, I never knew how appropriate this request was!

      As it turns out, he is exactly the right kind of conservative to understand the importance of distancing oneself from the wrong elements in one's demographic.

  14. At least no criminals share my first name, isn't that right? Wait a minute..."right"... "right"... "wright"... Steve Wright. Ah, damn it! I have delicate hands. I'm not fit to be a strangler.

    1. I am confident that you would have the good sense and dignity to speak up if a bunch of Steves started ripping this country apart.

      I mean, I don't know for a fact that you distanced yourself from Steve Forbes back when he was running for President, but I didn't know you back then.

  15. Replies
    1. I am offended. Why does everyone believe this to be satire?

      James Woods has been revealed to be pro-murder and that's somehow funny?

    2. Katy Katy Katy don't turn into Adri on me here >:-|

      A satire, hmm, a satire? *satire, what the heck*

      I missed that part or is this the funny part where James Woods has been revealed to be pro-murder?

    3. I know, right?

      All I was aiming for was a 3-word condemnation. "Murder is bad" would have been enough.

      So far, my attempts at reaching him via twitter have been ignored. The guy is soft on James-on-nonJames crime!

    4. I'm sure he's thinking how he wishes he still had a publicist and agent to reply to these type of requests. Or maybe hes not ready to reveal his view about murder.
      And he's probably wondering if he could still change his name at this point in his career.

    5. He has a pretty big presence on twitter, so he would have seen my tweet at him.

      Anyway, my search for a celebrity twitter feud continues. I pretty much have it narrowed down to the Pope or Rihanna.

    6. Anyway, His loss...


    7. Yes. I'm pretty sure I'll have better luck with the Pope.

  16. Sorry for the late comment I hate being behind on my slacking off during work hours.

    You missed the criminal offences offered by those with the sur name of James. You can pick anyone with the name Jessie James from 1880 to present day. The biggest offender is Rick James for his aiding and abetting Eddie Murphy in the recording of a "song" which shall not be named here. Why does everyone think they are a musician?

    1. I know that the real reason you took so long to comment was that you've been busy working on your new hip hop single with Sylvester Stallone and Bob Dole.

  17. Bob Dole is laying down some wicked lines. Just you wait. And Sly with his rhythmic grunts...pure magic

    1. I just had to go after Sly, who was about the ONLY actor in the Eighties who did NOT record music.

      His brother, Frank, did, though.

      "Far from Over" was a huge hit on the soundtrack to the sequel to "Saturday Night Fever," and the sins of the younger brother are passed on to the older.


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