To my daughter, Rachel, who renounced her love of pedicures after seeing a news report about staph and feces in the soak tubs:
Everything is covered with shit, Rachel!
Door handles. Elevator buttons. Handrails. The towel you just used to dry your hands.
Fresh fruit in the grocery store and your neighbor’s dog and the keys on the computer you’re using at this very moment.
They’re all covered in shit. So get used to it. Make your peace.
I saw a t.v. news report a while back about restaurant ice machines. They went around all over town and they tested the ice, you see, and do you know what they found when they were through? That’s right: Everything was covered with shit, Rachel!
All of the ice had shit in it. In every restaurant. In every ice machine. Every. Single. One. I have no idea how that could even be – how something so universal could be an accident – but the mystery does not change a damn thing. If you have ice in your drink when you go out to eat, then you, my friend, well, you’re eating shit.
And books in the library and a five dollar bill and the top of the church pew on Sunday. Covered.
When I was a teenager, I was homeless, and sometimes I would eat food out of trash cans. Whenever I ate food out of trash cans, there was this sort of tacit acceptance that at least some of the food would be covered with various bodily excretions. It seems so obvious for homeless people, but the fact is, this is a bargain you and I and all of us make in order just to stay alive.
There’s that woman’s hand you just shook and the sign in the restroom that says “Employees must wash hands before returning to work” and even your t.v. remote smells a little funny.
You can lather that hand sanitizer goop all over yourself. Go ahead. Head to toe. Day-in. Day-out. You can wash your hands – obsessively, compulsively, disorderly – until you rub the very hair and skin away bleeding.
But life is filthy. Everything is covered with shit and with dirt and with viruses, bacteria, mites and molds and diseases. Germaphobes are fighting a losing battle. It’s not even close.
You are a walking petri dish, Rachel.
That is not an insult.
That is simply the circle of life.
Americans produce one hundred eight million pounds of shit every day. Literal shit-shit, too, not products that are shit like lamps from Target or those mops I see them selling on late night t.v. One hundred eight million pounds. Every single day of every single week of every single year.
And that is only the people-shit I’m talking about. There is also the bird shit, the dog shit, the spider shit, the possum shit. And the mice and meese and the geese and that regal-looking bison out there on the plain.
That is an awful lot of shit to go avoiding every day and it’s all got to wind up somewhere.
And some is bound to wind up on you.
So, Rachel, if you really do not want to get those pedicures anymore, I do not blame you. Not one bit. Pedicures have always struck me as silly. A little excessive. Something made up for bored housewives at the tail end of a weekend spending spree.
Myself, I would not tolerate a stranger going anywhere near my feet, and I certainly would never pay for the privilege.
But pedicure or no pedicure, Rachel, the world is still covered top to bottom in shit.
Now that you know, do what you need to do.
Tell her that her eyelashes are crawling with mites, which are nibbling away at her eyelid follicles even as you speak. However, not possessing execretory openings, they do *not* shit.ReplyDelete
Does she feel better now?
I have actually named my eyelash mites, some of whom sing me to sleep at night.Delete
Sadly, benni (below) doesn't believe in my choir of singing eyelash mites.
But if they don't exist, where are those voices coming from?
A world of shit filled with bullshit. That might not be the best think to tell a kid, though.ReplyDelete
Sometimes, there's a good song or a cool sunset.Delete
I don't want to freak the kids out so bad they miss that stuff.
There's no such things as eyelash mites. I've had that conversation with Bill before.ReplyDelete
Yes, Benni. Denial always helps, Benni.Delete
There's so much you eyelash mite nonbelievers can't explain. My agnostic compromise approach is that they might not be mites, but something is clinging to my eyelashes, singing to me every night.Delete
Soo what is it exactly you're trying to say here? ;)ReplyDelete
I'm never sure.Delete
When I was writing it, I just thought she needed to chill the hell out about her germaphobia.
But that's not usually enough to inspire me to write a blog.
I have to deal with so much shit, that I load it onto trucks and haul it onto my fields. Cow shit mind you, but it's shit nonetheless. I figure it's a good day if I can keep it out of my mouth. Some days aren't good days.ReplyDelete
Perfect! I need you to come talk to my kid.Delete
Hey, can you smoke around that much fresh shit or is there a risk of, you know, some sort of combustible situation?
Oh, she needs to get in a bubble. I kinda just figured burning the world down would be good enough. Use lots and lots of fire; get everyone in on it. Burn ALL THE THINGS.ReplyDelete
Hey, better safe than sorry.Delete
For sometime many of us have wondered who is Jack Shit? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, You dont know Jack shit! Well, thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way.ReplyDelete
Jack Shit is the only son of Awe Shit who married O. Shit the owner of Knee Deep in Shit Inc. In turn Jack shit married Noe shit. The deeply religious couple had six children : Holy Shit, Giva Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit, and the twins Deep Shit and Dip Shit. Deep Shit married Dumb Shit, a high school dropout.
After 15 years , Jack and Noe Shit got divorced and She married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Shit Shirlock . Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Loda Shit and had a rather nervous deposition named Chicken Shit. Fulla Shit and Giva Shit married the Happens brothers and had a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the Shit-Happens wedding. Bull Shit traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa Shit. So from now on, no one can tell you that you dont know Jack shit!
You always provide us with such helpful public service, man.Delete
I was tempted just now to change my name to Jon Snow so that someone here could reply, "You don't know shit, Jon Snow."ReplyDelete
Anything has to be better than using real names. The more I wander around the net, the sillier using a full name seems to be. Someone asked a question on a blog the other day about "handles," and I realized, "Oh jeez... I'm the only one using a full name!"Delete
Okay, I know you were probably experiencing a little frustration with your daughter when you wrote this, but I'm not really sure that the rest of us needed this little reminder exactly...ReplyDelete
I had to react against all of those comments for my last post that called it "cute." No one has called this one cute!Delete
In that case, it is time to put on a tight-fitting flightsuit, head to the nearest aircraft carrier deck, and hoist the "Mission Accomplished" banner!Delete
Woohoo! The aircraft carrier route would really go right along with my policy of asking "WWGWD?"Delete
I do try and vary things up, though.
Only here would I read about the denial of eyelash-mites in the same thread as Everything Being Covered in Shit.ReplyDelete
(The other day, I posted a photo of a dead rat near a manhole cover not fifty yards from my home. Guess it got caught looking at someone's headlights. Regardless, the people at the Portland Water Bureau (who should know, by the way) say that no one in an urban or suburban area are more than ten yards from a rat at any point, whether they know it or not. That's cool; yes?)
Most UTI's are caused by e.coli. The average toilet is cleaner than the average kitchen sink - and the main culprit? Yep - shit. Gotta love it.
As you said - now that we know; we need to do what we do...)
The world is not very hygienic, and there's not much I can do about that. On the other hand, I haven't had so much as the sniffles in years, and I think it's because my immune system works well from NOT wiping that hand sanitizing crap all over myself 24/7.Delete
I believe that the rats outnumber the people inside the Loop in Houston. They generally leave me alone, though. Sorta wish more of the people would learn from them...
I have 4 dogs that are routinely sick, as in once one finally gets well, then the other gets diarrhea. A never ending chain of shit, if you will. I've touched and picked up enough shit for a lifetime. So tiny molecules of shit in soak tubs? Pssh, please. That's a walk in the park.ReplyDelete
Before my ex left, we had 3 kids, 2 cats, 1 snake, 13 tarantulas, 15 scorpions, and... that might have been it. At a certain point, you just have to say the hell with it.Delete
Why do you do this to me? I was perfectly happy with my head in the sand, the sterile, non-fecal-laced sand. This is how people become obsessive compulsive germaphobes. I don't want to be like Howie Mandel or the guy who hosted Double Dare, I want to be okay with shaking people's hands or worse yet, hugging them, but I'm not sure I can anymore. I'm going to make myself a human sized condom like in the Naked Gun movie and spray everything with Purell. Damn you for this.ReplyDelete
That's why I used the Flaming Lips pics. I was going through my C-drive for appropriate pics, and the Wayne Coyne bubble just connected with me. It would probably keep you clean!Delete
Thanks for ruining my mooring Katy. Poor Rachel if all dads/moms teach things raw, I am not sure how it would turn to.ReplyDelete
You could have added two gals 1 cup video too. Reminds me of new Oscar Mayer commercial were the grandpa gives honest open transparent answers.
About your parenting, let me share oe if mine, the elder twin son all of a sudden wants to become chef and he can't not if the world wants salt and pepper e replaced with ketchup and everything marinated in maple syrup, to curb his enthusiasm I let him watch Hell's kitchen, it backfired , now he is all the more interested. Who would think that Ramsay maniacal tirade would inspire and aspire a toddler?
Be careful about what and how you try to give the truth to kids. "they can't handle the truth".
That's funny. He gets to make food AND be rude to people!Delete
I somehow ended up as the bad cop with the kids. I had to be the one to explain death to the eldest one. I was also the one who grounded them.
Fortunately, they're good kids so far, so I don't need to play that role too often...
Oh my. Yes. Everything. And can I tell you?? I always thought that hospitals were the cleanest places in the world. After working in one for 18 years and visiting others over the years, I am happy to say that I work at a very clean one, but, they are the dirtiest places in the world. At least a hundred more times shit than anywhere else!ReplyDelete
Oh no... Well, I guess if you throw some lemon-scented slop around for the urine and rose-scented slop for the shit and make sure the walls are light-colored, nobody knows the difference, huh?Delete
Its all fun and games until someone gets MRSA!Delete
The last time I was living on the street, I made friends with this other homeless guy who had gotten a pin put in his wrist and caught MRSA in the hospital.Delete
The pin came loose and was working its way back out from the bone to the surface of his skin.
His arm was swollen up as big as his leg.
It was pretty rough.
Weill you definitely win the award for most unique blog post of the year :)ReplyDelete
Haha... Thanks. I always worry that when one of my posts finally goes viral, it's going to be one like this one.Delete
Hi it's Aubry, this is an interesting site you have here :)ReplyDelete
Thank you, Aubrey!Delete
This is NOT typical of my blog posts, but I was told that my last one was "sweet," and I couldn't have any of THAT happening...
Oh and I'm not stalking I was just bored at work lolDelete
I'm not worried. It's a slow day at work for me, too.Delete
Aubry's not my real name, it's Jenny. I don't know why I did that I guess I'm leery on those sites of using my real name.ReplyDelete
It's nice to meet you, Jenny. I am Katy, of course.Delete
I don't blame you about being careful on those sites.
They aren't always the best representatives of what humanity has to offer...
Are you on facebook (you probably get that asked a lot)Delete
Nope. I'm on twitter (@katydidknot) and Google+ (https://plus.google.com/u/0/103241458741745376938/posts) and tumblr (katydidknot.tumblr.com) but left facebook a few weeks after trying it out.Delete
OK well I had to ask, here's me :)ReplyDelete
Great! I have added you...Delete
Great, I'll be back sometime I'm sure. I have to go back to work right now. They have this thing about being on the internet during work. The nerve of some people :)ttylDelete
So when I said said I was returning from vacation to a shit storm, I was really speaking literally. Cool.ReplyDelete
But to be fair, the situation was the same wherever you went on vacation, too. It's nothing specific to where you live.Delete
OK I get it. I spent a week at the beach swimming in fish poo. No problem.Delete
People look at me and make comments about OCD like its a bad thing. How did your daughter take the news the world is a shitty place?Delete
I think I've probably gotten her to see the futility of washing her hands or taking a shower. This is good because soap and shampoo are expensive.Delete
I'm with you about everything being covered in shit but pedicures really can fuck you up from what I understand and I've noticed since I've started using a lot of hand sanitizer I haven't gotten sick. And you've just incited me to ponder whether Wayne Coyne actually does that because he is a germaphobe so thanks. I once touched the bubble at a concert so he was probably revolted.ReplyDelete
I never use hand sanitizer and probably don't use soap as much as I ought to, and I never ever ever get sick. I think my immune system is stronger as a result of my exposure to everything.Delete
This is just a theory, though, so everyone should probably just keep washing their hands.
You know how they put teasers out for the broadcast news reports... and there was one about ice but as usual I hate watching all the bad news on the news so I got disinterested or something and well somehow never knew what it was about the ice till now. :P yuck!ReplyDelete
You're probably better off not knowing most of that stuff. Usually, the news is trying to break the bad news to me that my kid is using some new street drug.Delete
That's why I keep it on cartoons or music.
I'll always want to know, but will file under things better off not knowing.Delete
Hahaha! This is brilliant, and so true xReplyDelete
Thank you, Scarlett!Delete