Saturday, November 1, 2014

I Am the Daddy

(A Play in One Act)
Curtain opens, revealing the interior of House of Pies restaurant. KATY and SCOTT THE LAWYER sit in a booth, on opposite sides of the table. On the table lie empty coffee cups, wadded napkins, various eating utensils, half-eaten foodstuffs, empty cigarette packs, pencils, pens, iPads, and piles of papers related to KATY’S child custody case.

ADRI paces back and forth past the booth. SCOTT THE LAWYER bangs his head against the table.

ADRI:     If you say that word again, I swear to Allah, I am going to beat you, KATY.

KATY:     The only way I can get custody of this kid – Dana’s unborn child – is for her to give birth back in Oklahoma.

ADRI:     (turning and pointing at KATY, angrily) That word! That one. Right there!

KATY:     (innocently) Oklahoma?

ADRI:     You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

KATY:     What? Oklahoma is a gay marriage state.

SCOTT THE LAWYER:     Yes, it has been for almost a week now. But in this case, you need to understand that doesn’t mean Oklahoma courts are going to be more gay-friendly than Houston’s Harris County family law courts…

KATY:     I don’t care if anybody is gay-friendly… wh-whatever the hell that even means. I just care that they recognize my marriage to Dana.

ADRI:     And how do you think that helps us?

KATY:   Well, we want Oklahoma to have jurisdiction in this case because Oklahoma recognizes my marriage to Dana. Right? The child then becomes a child born during my marriage to Dana. A child of the marriage. I’m the natural guardian…

ADRI:     SCOTT?

SCOTT THE LAWYER:     Yeah, all that does is create a rebuttable presumption of paternity. In normal cases, it means the courts assume that the husband is the biological father of all kids born during the time the couple has been married.

KATY:     Mm-hmm. Okay.

SCOTT THE LAWYER:     In normal contested cases, they would still send you for a paternity test.

KATY:     Mm-hmm. Okay.

ADRI resumes pacing back and forth. SCOTT THE LAWYER resumes banging his head against the table.

ADRI:     Alright now, KATY. I just have to ask. Do you know what a paternity test is?

KATY:     Yes, I do, ADRI, and thank you for asking. Do you know what a paternity test is?

ADRI:     SCOTT?

SCOTT THE LAWYER:     It would be a mouth swab. You and Dana and the child would all do it. They would look for certain genetic markers, and that would either exclude you as the father or identify you as being more genetically similar to the child than a certain percentage of the general population-

ADRI:     (interrupting) Oh, well, fuck.

SCOTT THE LAWYER:     (looking back and forth between KATY and ADRI) What?

KATY:     Let’s assume I’m genetically similar to the child.

SCOTT THE LAWYER:  (confused) How similar?

ADRI:     KATY and the kid’s likely Bio-Dad are twins.

SCOTT THE LAWYER:   (staring ahead, blankly)   They’re still gonna do a DNA on your brother, though…

KATY:     Why would they do that?

ADRI:     Well, for starters, he’s Dana’s husband, KATY.

KATY:     No, he’s not. Not in Oklahoma, he’s not. As far as Oklahoma is concerned, I’m Dana’s only legal spouse!

ADRI:     But-

SCOTT THE LAWYER:     But-

KATY:     There is no but. In Oklahoma, Dana and I are married and she’s a bigamist. Her marriage to my brother is invalid – or it’s void or it’s voidable or something.

SCOTT THE LAWYER:   Yeah, but-

KATY:     My brother has no legal relationship to Dana in Oklahoma at all. He’s just her brother-in-law. He is not a mandatory party to this suit. He is not a voluntary party to this suit. He wants nothing to do with this kid and no one is asking him for child support.

SCOTT THE LAWYER:     (exhales loudly)

ADRI:     Talk to me, SCOTT.

SCOTT THE LAWYER:     I don’t want to.

ADRI:     Why not?

SCOTT THE LAWYER:     Because you are going to beat me if I do.

ADRI:     Why would I beat you?

SCOTT THE LAWYER:     Because Oklahoma. I am about to tell you that the only way KATY is going to get custody of this child is for Dana to give birth in the State of Oklahoma. We need to trick Dana’s family into bringing her back there.

KATY:     (throws both hands up in victory)

Curtain.

43 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I love the idea that my marriage to Dana is good there but it here, while Antony's marriage to Dana is good here but not there. It is like an Abbott and Costello routine of something...

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  2. In Thailand all people have a very legal document called "Family Paper" or "House Paper". For our Family papers my adopted children are listed. But, being non-Thai I can not be listed. With the new Thai government, this is going to be a visa problem for me

    An intersecting note, in Asia, children are the "retirement plan"

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    United States, King Solomon and the Gordian Knot

    History reveals that Katy is very aggressive in her family legal policies. However, the wisen tree had previously instructed the Katy to avoid intermarrying. The perennial bio unit knew that such intermarrying would lead to the worship of false saplings and lead to perennial philosophy...

    Need to find a way out of this rabbit hole...

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    Replies
    1. It sounds as though children are the retirement plan in most places. Certainly this is true in more traditional cultures. It is just in the Western market economies that we seem to push old people into a closet to die once they stop being productive.

      I figure with 4 kids, there is bound to be one I haven't alienated when I get old, should I live long enough to be considered old. Someone is going to have to listen to my stories!

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  3. Your only other hope is to have Judge Judy decide this case because she doesn't let anyone piss on her leg and tell her it's raining.

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    1. That might not work in my favor in this case. This is almost the definition of pissing on someone's leg.

      On the other hand, if it works, the new kid will be living with siblings. And I make almost enough money for Ramen noodles and a cardboard box!

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  4. Um...did you change your plumbing recently without telling us, or something?

    Even then, I don't see, what with the XX Chromosome thingy, how...

    Lawd, I'm glad I'm not a lawyer.

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    Replies
    1. Once you throw common sense out the window, law is a lot of fun.

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  5. That is quite the amazing, flawless maize maze of logic (sorry, just went to a pumpkin patch, and have zero resistance to homonyms). Brilliant. And I'm not British so I use that word more sparingly. Whatever is best for the baby/kids (and I have absolutely no clue what that is without the intricacies of this situation) is what I'm rooting for (that, and whatever will allow for prepositions to end sentences with).

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    1. Of course. It is all about the kids.

      And also the principle of winning against Dana's family.

      But mostly about the kids.

      All about the kids...

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  6. If you pull this off and if you get away with it, you will make other lawyers whine and bang their heads against tables for years to come. In all likelihood, you'll end up being a final exam question for people studying family law. It's an unusual way to achieve immortality, but if nothing else, it would give the kid material for a fascinating college admissions essay.

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    Replies
    1. Hi, ArgentLA! If nothing else, the custody order will provide the kids' therapists with a good background to their situation before actually meeting with them.

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    2. An added benefit. Also, if you somehow pull this off, I get the strong impression that at least one of your children will ask if you have somehow orchestrated all of this On Purpose as part of some twisted contingency plan. ("I am both dismayed and flattered that you would think I plan that far ahead...")

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    3. Things are going to pan out, and I'm not trying to keep them away from Dana. It's Dana's family that sort of scares the shit out of me.

      But once you start making plans with lawyers, plans do tend to take on a life of their own.

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  7. Ah yes, welcome to the legal system, where everything is made up and the logic doesn't matter, so long as that logic somehow follows the wording of the law. Hey, at least sometimes that logic falls in your favor. So I hope it works out for you.

    Meanwhile, in Colorado you can smoke weed on your front porch and shoot your neighbor in the face if he walks on your property unannounced but you still can't buy beer or wine at the grocery store because that's illegal. Good thing I hired these flappers to help me distill whiskey in my barn!

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    1. Yeah, Colorado is sort of turning into a test lab for laws.

      You guys do something like pass a law saying kids under 5 are allowed to fly airplanes unaccompanied, and then if nothing bad happens in the next two years, Oregon will go ahead pass the same law.

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    2. I bet Balloon Boy is eagerly awaiting the passing of that law, so they can free him from federal prison where he's been spending his middle school years. This unjust problem would simply not exist if our 5 and 6 year olds were allowed to fly as God intended.

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    3. If toddler pilots are outlawed, only outlaws will be toddler pilots.

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  8. I'm not going to lie: I had to re-read a couple of times to understand the twisted logic. Yeesh.

    I also felt like grabbing a bucket of popcorn, for some reason.

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    Replies
    1. Haha... Yes, I would not want to be the one to have to draw my family tree at this point. But, I mean, Texas and Oklahoma family law courts, so what could go wrong?

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  9. For what it's worth, ADRI's reaction to the word "Oklahoma" is exactly the same as mine to "Texas"... can't even say it without suppressing an urge to spit.

    By the way, if you want to ensure that Oklahoma fights for the right to host your ex during her comatose birthing session, just imply (legal-weasel-eze style) that her family is pushing for an abortion in the Lone Star State, due to her condition. They'll start a Terri Shiavo campaign, call the state legislature back into session, have a former Senator from Tennessee (who's also a former doctor from Tennessee) look at a video taken years ago and announce that, according to Frist Standards, Dana's better off having babies in the Sooner State. The key thing is you have to imply an abortion is in the wind if they don't act. Oklahoma righties will shit themselves making sure an unborn child has a chance to be ignored by Oklahoma righties after its toes slide past a vagina, so the same zeal oughta apply to a C-section.



    You're welcome.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, I like the way you think. You can do that judo thing, where you turn your opponent's own weight and momentum against them.

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  10. You sue your dear brother for polygamy in Oklahoma, thus stripping his parental rights in that state. He's going to feel relieved and thus gladly sign away his rights in a settlement before the kid is born. You get him to assign you as the legal guardian in both states.

    You then sue your dear brother in Texas for failing to pay child support after the kid is born, because he was the biological and statutory father at the time of inception. You get your demonic boss Adri to mention the word "polygamy" in the Texas family court, thus sealing his fate of paying for raising this kid while having no benefit of being a parent. You can call this the pay-back for stealing your spouse and breaking up your marriage.

    You then file for Social Security disability benefits on Dana, and then live happily ever-after, as the welfare queen both states hate.

    Except the distinct possibility of her family suing both you and your dear brother for this polygamy freak show that took place down in Texas, for the purpose of keeping Dana's assets and disability benefits. With Fallin winning re-election tonight, the state is going to be on Dana's family's side, purely for the objective of denying you same-sex marriage benefits, by citing that this polygamy freak show took place long before the October 6, 2014 court ruling.

    As usual, every body loses, especially the kids.

    Here's a better idea: get your demonic boss Adri to use her bodyguard Harry to track down and threaten your dear brother with physical harm, so that he would be a man and own up to his responsibilities in life. She once physically kidnapped a radio morning show DJ for disagreeing with her about rock music, so this would be a piece of cake.

    If you all want to know more dirt on Adri, you know where to find me, for she is clearly not how you are portraying her here, all innocent and simple-minded. Be thankful that you all don't know what I know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Where were you when we were master-minding this whole thing? Polygamy is really more of a criminal thing than a grounds for a lawsuit, but you've got my ducks in a row.

      I don't think i made Adri "all innocent and simple-minded"! She threatened to beat me and then started talking like some sort of obnoxious crime boss. Which is actually the way she talks 75% of the time.

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  11. Child custody aside for just a moment....what exactly is in Oklahoma? I hear they have tornadoes, what else do they got?

    The legal system is a dark and twisted place....I'm sorry you have to go there. Best of luck!

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    Replies
    1. Some Indian reservations and a psychedelic rock band called The Flaming Lips.

      And that's it. That's Oklahoma.

      When my ex grew up there, rock music was banned in her town. In the Eighties. The 1980s. Now, i suspect that the ban was unconstitutional, but no one ever challenged it, since Kevin Bacon wasn't around to dance to Kenny Loggins tunes.

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  12. God, how infuriating. I wish you the best with this. Damn legal system...

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    1. Hi, Linda!

      I'm not worried. I think I have found a loophole in the law which makes me third in line for the Presidency. This stuff can be like Alice in Wonderland on peyote.

      Delete
  13. If I understand this right, you are trying to basically steal a baby. You already have 3 you're raising on a gas station attendant wage and you're trying for another one.

    Good luck I guess.

    This sounds all kinds of fucked up to me.

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    Replies
    1. Stealing? Well, if you're going to word it like that, of course it's going to sound ugly.

      Better that she be stolen than raised by a lesbian, though...

      Oh. Wait. Uh-oh.

      More seriously, though, this is mostly about who is going to take care of the unborn kid until such time as Dana has recovered enough to do it herself.

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  14. What do you call some lawyers and some faggots sitting around drinking coffee and planning how to steal kids? The Democratic National Convention.

    Why do you insist on abusing those poor kids ? America rejected your gay propaganda just look at last tuesday> Do wghat you want to do but you fags keep telling us about it and going after the normal people's kids!

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    Replies
    1. Needless to say, that I did not post this above silly comment. If that Anonymous commenter had gone to church on Sunday mornings like Katy would have, then she wouldn't have had nothing better to do than impersonating me, again.

      Real-life bigots tend to want to be known to the public; while real-life acquaintances who are trying to help you through your current craze and daze do in fact need the anonymity, isn't it.

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    2. 1:26: Are you SURE that wasn't you? I mean, the two of you have the same name and picture!

      Delete
  15. I DEMAND to know why you haven't already enrolled in law school! Or did you already talk about that in a post somewhere? I'll be honest, my visits to your blog are frequently dilatory and oddly timed so I sometimes miss things....

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    Replies
    1. Haha... You have not missed anything. I haven't addressed my relationship to law. Someday I will!

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    2. Do you take requests for blog posts?

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    3. There's really not much to it - certainly not enough for a blog post.

      Basically, I collect academic degrees. I have one degree for which various problems in my recent past prevent me from sitting to take the test to get licensed.

      Not the Theology Master's, though. They'll hand those out to anybody and there's no licensing required.

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  16. On an unrelated note, why do you have so many anonymous nemeses who seem to know so many more things about you than you're telling us? Is this even the real Katy Anders running this blog?? I don't know what to think.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The anons haven't told me yet, but I can't wait to find out who I am.

      The truth is that I've been doing this blogging thing for a long time and have managed to pick up some odd characters along the way. Actually, I'm not sure I've picked up anything BUT odd characters. Some are just anonymous.

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    2. My personal theory is that anons are so full of vitriol and hate BECAUSE they are anonymous, and that if they embraced the light they'd suddenly find that their longstanding, insupportable grudges based on misperceived slights that took place years (if not decades) ago would suddenly melt away. All of the evidence I've seen suggests that this is true, as commentators who fully embrace their legal identity in publicly recorded comments seem a lot more well-balanced and moderate in tone.

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    3. Yeah, I've noticed that sites that require facebook accounts to comment are generally better behaved... unless the topic is music or Doctor Who, but people with opinions on music or Doctor Who are all certifiable.

      I've toyed with the idea of getting rid of anonymous comment entirely. But as it is now, I screen comments, so I can always reject anything too far over the line.

      Delete
  17. This has been an interesting afternoon catching up on your blogs. I come in expecting trippy shit, time portals and talking walls. This is better. Topped by a guest appearance of Miss Adri. Keep the arc going

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, Brent. It's good to see you around!

      It's almost 2015, which means I've been doing this little blog for longer than i ever did my big Blog That Shall Not Be Named.

      If you'd told me then that my friendship with you, Cal, and Bill from the old place would end up lasting longer than my offline friendships, I'd have said you were sick. But here we are.

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