Friday, May 1, 2015

The Idiot's Guide to Fascist Dyke Motors

For more than four years, I have been telling you a story. It’s been a story about four people.

Very soon now, this story will be coming to an end. 

As we come into the home stretch, I thought it might be a good idea to review what has happened so far. You know, in case you have not been paying attention, or maybe you arrived late, or you have one of those degenerative brain diseases I keep hearing so much about.

So here we go! 

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I suppose the first person you should know about in this story is me, and I am Katy. Three things you should know about me are: 1) I write; 2) I live in Texas; and 3) I am gay but I don’t know why. (“Born This Way?!”)

That’s it for me.

A long time ago, I met Dana. (“Dana”)

Dana was really cool even though she was a lawyer. I talked her into going up north to one of those weird New England states that operate like Scandinavia so we could get married. She agreed.

We brought along my twin brother, Antony. Antony was gay, too, so he brought along my best friend, Aesop, and Aesop and Antony got married.

Then we all got our gay asses back to Texas.

Everything went great for a long time. Dana and I had a house and we had kids and all of the things married couples have and do. Then I got the idea for my Double Bigamy All the Way scheme. (“Double Bigamy (All the Way)”)

I married Aesop. Dana married Antony. We dared Texas Governor Rick Perry and then-Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott to arrest us for bigamy. They weren’t interested. (“Rick Perry’s Texas Will Not Defend Christian Family Values”)

We even went to the media! They weren’t interested, either. (“Interview with a Bigamist”)

One day, Dana took the kids and left me. (“Part 1: An Amicable Marooning”)

I did not know why. It made me sad and I went a little crazy for a while. (“Dear Dana”)

Finally, I figured out that Dana had left me because she and my brother were in love. (“Soap Opera”)

They got married, even though they already were married thanks to my Double Bigamy scheme. (“Pictures from a Wedding”)

Then Dana had a stroke. (“9 Mistakes (You Should Not Make)”)

Antony left her.

Oh, and she was pregnant at the time. (“Die Geheimschriften und die Dechiffrir-kunst”)

Even though Dana hated me and my abominations by then, I moved into her house to take care of her and the kids. (“A Story of Faith”)

I decided to get revenge on my brother for ruining everyone’s lives. (“The Other Other Other Cheek”)

I located him thanks to a brilliant idea I came up with involving blind spots. (“What’s in Your Head? (Part 1)” and “What’s in Your Head? (Part 2)”)

He was hiding in Omaha, living in a house that used to be owned by my family. (“Enemies List”)

I went to see him. (“Charles Bronson”)

The story of the four of us – me, my wife Dana, my twin brother/ Dana’s husband Antony, and my best friend/ my brother’s husband Aesop – is almost over. I hope that you have enjoyed the story so far.

Over the next few weeks, I also hope you enjoy reading the ending. It would really suck if you ended up feeling like you did when “The X-Files” ended, or like you felt when “LOST” ended.

I believe it will be wonderful and strange.

There will be snacks. 

37 comments:

  1. "Life In The Fast Lane"
    https://youtu.be/sSBAPMQEctg

    He was a hard-headed man
    He was brutally handsome, and she was terminally pretty
    She held him up, and he held her for ransom in the heart of the cold, cold city
    He had a nasty reputation as a cruel dude
    They said he was ruthless, they said he was crude
    They had one thing in common, they were good in bed
    She'd say, 'Faster, faster. The lights are turnin' red."

    Life in the fast lane
    Surely make you lose your mind

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In the words of The Dude, "Can you change the station? I hate the fucking Eagles, man!"

      Delete
    2. Squat & GOODSTUFF: I was not alive when the Eagles were ubiquitous, so I have no real opinion on them. Don Henley has done some cool stuff solo: Everyone can relate with "Heart of the Matter,." Plus "Boys of Summer" and "Sunset Grill" are in weird keys. Oh, and he did stuff for Randy Newman and Roger Waters solo album that i appreciate.

      But I was watching this documentary on the Eagles last year, and I was blown away by how much time these guys wasted suing each other. The intro to "Hotel California" being played over and over again couldn't hide the fact that these guys spent most of their lives fighting over money.

      Delete
  2. Is everything in Texas complicated like this?

    Actually, thank you for the recap. As a newcomer, I wasn't entirely sure what was going on although, as it turned out, I did have the basic gist of things. Looking forward to "what happens next."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Haha. I work as an administrative assistant in a law office, and I have to say that when it comes to family law, this story is about average for complexity. I created a "Who's the Daddy?" chart for figuring out what men must be brought in as parties to child custody actions.

      Compared to that, my intermittently-gay ex-wife and brother are easy to explain.

      Delete
  3. Life is a Soap Opera no one gets paid to be in.
    What kind of snacks, not that it is of any consequence I am easy. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, I look at your profile pic and I can't think of any snack except Jelly Babies.

      Delete
  4. Keep those magification muscles warm.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I try. This is my favorite thing.

      I know it's silly to place such a high value on a a half-ass blog with a couple dozen followers, but this is really important to me.

      Someday soon, it will be better and weirder.

      Delete
  5. I look forward to the snacks -- and the end of the story.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am pretty sure that was how the Nazis swelled their ranks in the Thirties - they had snacks at their meetings.

      If they had pizza, there wouldn't have been a room big enough in Germany to hold the meetings.

      Delete
  6. So what will you write about once the story is finished?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I keep wanting to change things up around here, maybe have a different emphasis and focus in the posts.

      I might start throwing things against the wall and see what sticks.

      Delete
  7. Now that we're raising a nine year-old, I'm more aware of how important "snacks" are to all things wonderful. The kid can't go to school without several of them in her backpack so that she can space them out between meals, recesses, and other snacks. Snacks are way more important than the ham sandwich or the fruit we put in her lunch bag. Snacks, uber alles.

    So regardless of how this works out, keep the snacks promise. I've learned well how these snack related pouty tantrums are performed.

    You've been warned.

    Snacks, by god... you promised!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, I remember the snacks and desserts we had as kids more than I remember almost anything else. Certainly more than I remember the meals.

      My grandparents didn't do microwave popcorn. They had this popcorn popper, and it was red with a clear top. You poured grease or oil or something into it, and then poured the popcorn kernels on top and waited for it all to warm up and pop.

      There were also several tons of popcicles along the way.

      So the snacks are remembered later on...

      Delete
  8. The only ending a story can have is death. If they - or you - are alive, the story is not over.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe in the last post I will wake up and find it's all been a dream.

      Or maybe it will be like in the director's cut of "Butterfly Effect" where he leaps back in time into the womb and strangles himself with the umbilical cord.

      No, I want to write different kinds of things. I just haven't decided what comes after this confusing quasi-gay tale.

      Delete
  9. If it's the end of the story of the four of you, does that mean a four-way suicide pact is coming? A"four corners of Romeo and Juliet" scenario? Oh, sorry, spoilers on Romeo and Juliet.
    Glad to hear you're not going away. I look forward to the new direction. I appreciate the recap. It's like Mad Men, there's such a lag between seasons that I have forgotten the characters and plot lines.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, it's funny that you mentioned "Romeo and Juliet," because there actually IS a four-cornered relationship in Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream." I downloaded it on my iPad a few weeks ago to see whether I could draw any parallels.

      I could not.

      It was useless except that the edition I got was one illustrated by someone named Arthur Rackham, whose stuff was fantastic.

      But there will be no love potions being thrown in anyone's eyes by fairies around here, no matter how good the double entendre sounds on paper.

      Delete
  10. As a latecomer I cannot tell you enough how much I appreciate the "Readers Digest Condensed Version" you have provided, It provides context as I go through the links you have given.
    Gracias.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Cool, I'm glad somebody got something out of it.

      I realized I could do one of these for a few different sub-topics, too: My jobs, stories about my childhood, my tarantulas, etc. It makes more sense for the reader than just using tags, I hope.

      We'll see how ambitious I get!

      Delete
  11. Did someone say snacks? Count me in.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Man, I should have started offering snacks with my blog posts years ago. I'll bet that's how that Bloggess chick gets so many comments...

      Delete
  12. I hope those snacks are organic, free range, gluten free non-GMO grass fed snacks. After all, I have standards about the crap I put in my body.

    Also, I'm just glad to hear that this is the end of this particular story but not of the blog. Bring on the wonderful, and bring on the strange.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Years ago, I saw a news piece on either Nick Notle or Gary Busey (for the life of me, I don't know which one of those guys is which). he was a health nut, spending all of his time trying to exercise and eat right and take vitamins, etc. - all because he was trying to counter-act the effects of a serious smoking habit. He kept smoking and spent the rest of his time trying to convince his body he didn't.

      Delete
  13. I'm a late-comer AND I have degenerative brain disease ... at least I keep telling myself that. But now I'm all caught up. I have four favorite people in the world I've never met ... and you're ONE OF 'EM! If not for people like you I'd KNOW FOR SURE I was on the wrong planet. The first time we ever communicated you caught a Captain Beefheart reference and I just knew then it was gonna be AWESOME! So, cheers 'n slack to you Katy!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Sterno! That sounds awfully sentimetal for someone whose blog dwells on the right way to have sex with a dead moose...

      Delete
    2. Awww ... I'm just an old softie when not instructing people on how to have their way with large, antlered, Canadian mammals.

      Delete
  14. Well, as long as there's gonna be snacks I guess I'll be there.

    Jay

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have found the secret to popularity.

      Do y'all have snacks on your blogcast? Because that would explain a lot.

      Delete
  15. Personally, I hate everyone in your story except you, the kids, and that one-armed pirate. I hope the ending is that you killed them all, have been acquitted by reason of justifiable homicide and that you are NOT writing this from Huntsville max. OH WOW! MAYbe ... you're PLANNING on killing them all ... and then letting the end play out in the headlines! I can not be complicit to murder, at this time ... I'm hanging up now ....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope that's not what happened. I'll have to keep reading to find out.

      I'm just going to warn you - I take terrible mug shots, so if you pick up your local paper and see me on the front page, well, you were warned. Not all my pictures can be as good as this profile pic!

      Delete
    2. just lead with yer 'stache ... you'll be a'ight.

      Delete
  16. Thanks for the summary, I'd missed more than a few chapters. Given the surreal twists my own life has taken lately I have concluded that, yes, all this stuff really could happen to a person. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not even sure what parts happened and what parts I dreamed at this point.

      Hopefully, I'll be back to writing again by this time next week!

      Delete

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